The Wild Woods of Broceliande
by Punk Chopsticks
Summary: HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING: You find yourself lost in a place people aren't supposed to even BE in, unless it's a movie set. There's a wizard, and a prince, and a princess. Oh yeah, and dragons exist, the food sucks and you need Merlin's help to get you home
1. Lost

**Due to the preference ****(and convenience)**** of my reader's, I will be splitting the First Chapter into a _prologue _and_ another chapter_. WARNING: The prologue is the foundation for the story and DOES NOT mention anything about Merlin, Arthur, etc. So if you don't give a whoopsy-doo, it's better to just start off from the first chappie then move on to the prologue later if you're intrested.**

**Here's the summary but be warned, i'm not so good with them. Not really, no.  
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**The Prolougue- just the base for my story (NO mentioning of Merlin and cast. Skipping is encouraged but if you have the time then please read it.)  
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**Another thing I should mention before letting you loose: The chapters - at least 1-5- can be read in any sequence but are all related. Just to let you know :)**

**Oh yeah, and kudos to**xxDibdabxx, Mystical-Magickal-Wytch** (Best writers on the block!!!) **

**Love and thanks, Punk Chopsticks

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**Prologue...**

The sky was burning so painfully and excruciating; blood red and a rusty orange. My footsteps made little marching taps on the pavement like the magnified sounds of ants skittering by. The wind was howling that day, my hair being lifted behind me like a black billowing cloak. Tall buildings caste me into a perverted orange abyss. People were scarce and seemed to walk by me quickly.

Just to paint you a picture of how my last day on this universe looked like.

You realize, I'd be lying if I said I was just any other ordinary sophomore girl, but in another sense, I was just that. Because if we went to school together, and if I sat next to you in class. You probably wouldn't notice me. And if you did, all you'd see was a silent, peculiar girl with a dark sense of humor over the comments I make. But this story, or at least_ my _story doesn't begin in a classroom.

Class was over.

I was walking home from school.

"I shouldn't have worn these today" I muttered, too softly to be heard over the breezy wind. The rough fabric clung and brushed against my thighs with each step I took. And even though I couldn't see them with my eyes focused ahead of me, tall modern buildings loomed above me over my head , lodging a trapped feeling in a crevice of my chest.

"Merlin…"

A small shot of conversation caught my attention and my eyes swept across the street to look; two flippant looking girls were walking past me whilst clutching a hefty load of shopping bags. Their metallic heels clicked across the pavement before turning a corner and disappearing from sight. Tap, tap, tap, gone.

I stopped and watched their retreating backs in a daze, wondering what had caught my attention.

Another voice drifted towards me

"…Merlin?"

I spun around to see a group of adolescent boys coming over to where I was standing. My arms instinctively wrapped themselves around my waist like a belt as I watched the group. They were clad in expensive clothing that seemed to curl round their perfectly built bodies. And at this I flinched inwardly. "Excuse me." I walked up to the tallest boy in the group, unable to contain my jiggling nerves "What is Merlin?"

He raised an eyebrow "You mean _who_ is Merlin" The boy looked down at me condescendingly.

Condescendingly enough, infact, to make me want to plant a small hole in his face. Or worse. "OK?"

"Merlin is a wizard…" He started, before I cut in.

"I know who he is, but _why_ is everyone talking about him?" I pressed, feeling my cheeks redden and heat up. Cold wind whipped across my cheeks but not a single strand of my black locks was lifted.

The tall boy who looked somewhat around 19, now stared down at me, almost sneering at my complete ignorance. I froze my face into what I hoped was a bold look, or maybe a cold façade - something he couldn't read past.

Then the boy gave a patronizing sniff and I flushed further, despite the measly attempts I gave to ignore myself. "Where've you been living all this time?" He asked, glancing down at me like I was a dirty rag. "The jungle?"

"What!-" I drew myself up only to have his friend standing to my right hurriedly cut in.

"It's a TV show." He answered nervously "Just a show." The younger boy's eyes shifted from the tall boy's face to mine, like a rotating Tetris cube that couldn't make its mind. "A show." He repeated under his breath.

"Whatever." The tall boy turned around and led the pack off. "Mad…"

My face blushed even more furiously but I refused to turn away from their pushed out backs and swaggering bottoms until their last inch of shadow was out of sight. "God" I whispered under my breath, watching them taking their sweet time just to make themselves seem more gallant. "what asses"

It was too late to be scared of any retribution when I shifted my eyesight to see the tall boy and his group of expensively dressed cronies turning around, coming my way. All I could feel then was a rush through my body.

The boy glowered at me, his shoulders towering above my face and I could make out his chest heaving raggedly albeit his calm face and I knew that he was just a few words a way from losing his temper.

"If you were a boy I'd hit you." He threatened through gritted teeth.

"If _you _were a boy I'd be afraid" I said back, feeling another flush coming and enjoying the wave.

The tall boy instantly roared and lunged at me. I didn't think I had enough time or space to avoid his charge but strangely enough I found my self swerving away without any impact. And I couldn't help grinning at the new feeling coursing through me: raw, exhilarating fear.

"Clarissa!" Almost as if we were connected, everyone's head turned towards the source of the sound and I felt my chest drop at what met my eyes.

His blonde hair was the first thing I recognized as Robert came towards me, and put his arm over my shoulder. "I'll be calling the police if you'd like?" He raised an eyebrow and pulled me in closer while keeping both of his eyes fully planted on the tall boy.

They slowly backed away, radiating hate and frustration, until I couldn't see the last of the tall boy's shadow. Then I rounded on Robert. "I could have handled that!" I argued, pushing his arm off my shoulders. It was heavy and pressing down like a weight.

"What, you?" He grinned like I just told the funniest joke on earth. "Come on, get real Claire. Those kids'd beat you to a pulp"

"Even so, even if I would get hurt, at least I'd get respect from them. Or more than you give me anyways"

"Hey!" Robert's arms shot in the air and he smiled wider "Since when did I do anything to you? Boyfriends take care of their little girls don't they?"

"I'm not a little girl" I huffed "And I'm not helpless, and I deserve _respect_. Even if it means getting a little black eye, so what?"

"You're so cute when you're weak" He came towards me with a different type of smile plastered on his face, meaning to take me in his arms again "You don't know what you're saying"

"Get away from me!" I pushed away, covered in revulsion.

Without any idea of what I was doing or where I was headed, I treaded away in the opposite direction "I don't know why I ever liked you in the first place" I whispered amid the sudden release of years of pent up humiliation and insecurities unconsciously laden on me by Robert. And soon broke into a sprint till I was out of the city limits.

_His hair is so beautiful- blond, streaky, like waves of angel song. Robert pulls me in closer and I taste the scent of his overpowering cologne on my face. His is beautiful, he is dominant but he'll never be fully mine. Earlier that day in the same position, he kisses me firmly on the lips, so hard and powerfully that for a moment, I forget who I was. Who I will be... "If i leave you," he murmurs behind my cloud of euphoria "Will you die?" The words sounded so deep and threatening that I pause, unable to take the leap of faith and cross over our gates of safety and refuge, bounding for the hills beyond. "Maybe..." i whisper back, hoping that the answer will prove enough for Robert. He kisses me again, firmer this time, more hypnotic "What about now?" He growls. "I don't know..." I answer. The game goes on and on until I can't think anymore and tell him that I'd live and die with his presence._

_Now I remember the incident and turn to face his gorgeous dark pupils, long graspable hair. "Robert..." I whisper and he looks down at me but averting my eyes. "If I leave you, would you continue to live without me?" The question hung in the air between us. Robert averts my eyes even more and instead reaches for my body and pulls me in. "Sure..." He mutters "Whatever. God, Claire you're hot you know that?"  
_

Three hours later, I was still walking through a stretch of wild land, feeling blank and drained – earlier, with each footstep came a new memory of another time of us together and a whoosh of abhorrence would fill me up. Now, nothing came to my head, nothing entered my mind except a hope to discover another new place that I could go to. Like in a story book or a fairy tale. All I knew was I didn't have to stop if I didn't want to.

And I didn't want to.

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**Alrighty, so that was my prologue (yes, there's more to come...MUAHAHAHAHA!!!) Hope you enjoyed it, i hope I haven't completely destroyed the story and it's characters.**

**REVIEW OR DIE!!!  
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	2. Pain

**Chapter One~Pain**

"You, girl! Stop!" A man shouted behind me.

I blinked. What was I doing, had I been running? Strangely enough, my feet felt fine but other than that, my mind was a blank and woozy. There was a large gap where memory should have been and all I could recall was a slow blur of passing sky scrapers and street lights.

Slowly, like rusted flakes, a sprinkle of disjointed memory returned; and if I remembered correctly, I must have walked past a corner into…

My eyes blinked involuntarily once more as I finally registered my surroundings: cobble stone and red brick walls, hay covered rooftops and old fashioned wagons…This can't be right! My head felt a jolt of electricity, all my senses snapped back into attention and I was fully aware of everything around me.

The notion of a dream never came to mind; everything was too real. The freezing cold wind on my eyelids and the musty damp air tickling my nose, all of it was too sharp for the cottoned unreality of dreams.

"Stop!" The man shouted again.

I felt a thump in my chest, and before I could take in everything that was happening, things started to collapse and I landed in a heap of sharp edged clay. My right hand felt wet and sticky, and my head was starting to drift off again.

"I told you to stop didn't I?" The man was looking down at me with his arms crossed. In the moonlight, his face was much younger than what I expected and strangely handsome. The moon shined on his blonde hair, casting blue hues and reminding me rapidly of Robert.

"Right." I tried to get up. "I totally knew that. Meant to do it."

"You meant to crash into a jar stall?" he raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah well whatever I don't need your help anyways." I huffed, getting up.

"Where are you from?"

"Where am I _from_?" I repeated "I don't even know where I _am_ for god's sake. My hand's bleeding, I crashed into a cart and I'm lost…_somewhere_."

"You're in the kingdom of Camelot, fairest of all other lands."

"_Camelot_." I repeated dryly "Right."

"Do you need any help?" He asked, five minutes too late.

"Yeah, I'm wearing the wrong type of knickers but it's not like you'd be of any help." I answered. "So thanks"

"I can get you to the palace for a quick change of clothes." He looked a little haughty now "The castle?"

"No way pal." I instantly backed off "No…nonononono…._no_ way are you pulling me into one of your crazy mind tricks. What do I look like, _five_?"

The boy halted for a split second before bending down and reaching for my waist.

"Hey watch it!" I shouted

I was being hauled up into the air and carted off on his shoulder. "Oh _right_ like I'm supposed to go through with this!"

"Won't you shut up already?" He grunted after ten minutes, the boy was definitely stronger than I had first anticipated; his blonde hair brushed my cheek. "You need to get cleaned up and I won't have you running around my kingdom like some…"

"Some what?" I countered "Wait, _your_ kingdom?" I asked. "Who _are_ you?"

"Arthur." He replied nonchalantly.

"Like _King_ Arthur?" My breath caught in my throat…but this _couldn't_ be happening…it was too much of a coincident…he was too young anyways.

"_Prince_ Arthur." Out came another grunt "You're heavier than you look."

"_Thanks_" I replied sarcastically.

Once we reached the palace gates, Arthur put me down on my feet and instead kept a firm hand on my shoulder. Any sudden or sharp turns, and his fingers would tighten, causing me to wince in pain and straighten back.

To my incredulity, every guard we passed by bowed low and reverently to Arthur, their eyes never left the floor until we walked by. But when it came to my turn, I felt pairs and pairs of eyes scrutinizing me silently, like laser pointers held by an immaculately unwavering hand. By the time we turned the fifth corner in a series of carpeted corridors, part of the surrealism had shed away but I couldn't help myself from gasping when we entered his room.

"I'll go and get my servant to see to you." Arthur said, like a real gentleman and left the room, leaving me alone to wonder at its impracticable splendor. It was more majestic than anything we could find back in my time…was it the present or the future?

A few seconds after we entered his room, another boy burst into the room. He had curly black hair like the soft ringlets on angels and deep, soulful eyes embroidered on a boyish and youthful face. I couldn't keep my eyes off him, his cheeks…his lips.

"Uh…hi" he smiled brightly and gave a tiny wave, pressing his lips together. "You must be that girl-"

"I can't find him anywhere..." Arthur's voice traveled down the corridor into the room and the boy gave a tiny shudder. "Maybe…oh damn-" Arthur came in looking irritated "Merlin, for god's sake, what do I have to say about knocking?"

I didn't hear the boys reply because my head was whirling too fast, too far.

_Merlin_???

"No way…" I shook my head, staring hard at Arthur then _Merlin_, Arthur,  
Merlin, Arthur _Merlin_, Arthur, _Merlin_… "You've got to be joking…"

Then darkness took over me.

**xoxo**

As my quivering eyelids slowly creaked open to a sliver of light, the first thing that that entered my conscious mind was how sweet and slow the wispy scent of simmering herbs was, and for an ecstatic, bizarre moment I thought I was lying in a bed in Amah's house. But then I opened my eyes and was greeted by an entirely foreign setting and I jerked up in confusion.

I was lying on a stiff, hard bed in the middle of a musty room scattered with glass vials and hard covered books. My joints felt more like rusted door hinges than anything else; but the memory was all too clear. It was _unfeasible_. But still clear.

"-too tired..." The heavy oak door creaked open, but softly, to reveal an old man with streaky silver-grey hair. He wore decades of wisdom on his weathered but grandfatherly face and I knew instantly who he was despite flakes of recollection telling me I was wrong.

"Merlin!" I gasped, making to get up.

"Hush child, you've had a bad fright and fainted, so I suggest you don't make any more sudden moves." He moved towards me looking over his glasses and smiling bemusedly.

This was it- Merlin: the one person who could explain that this was all a dream and restore my disconnected, unhappy mind back to the stale sharpness of reality and reliable existence. His presence instantly warmed me up with a feeling of disillusioned courage and protection; this was it, I thought - Merlin will make everything right.

Even if it's so impossibly wrong.

"You don't understand Merlin-" I rushed to speak.

"Merlin?" He frowned slightly "I'm not Merlin"

"Then who?"

"I am." A soft but steady voice spoke and I jerked my head to see the dark haired boy standing at the doorway. Our eyes met and I noticed something stirring behind them, they were wide and almost innocent looking but the longer I looked, the more I noticed that they were remarkably reserved as well.

Suddenly Merlin broke eye contact and turned to the old man. "Gaius, what about her clothes?"

I drew my knees up and peered at them warily like a cornered cat "What _about _my clothes?

"I think you should ask _her_" Gaius's tone was stern as he faced Merlin "But be gentle" He walked out of the room "She's just come to."

Gaius walked out of the room and I couldn't keep my eyes off of him. My brain was whirring uncontrollably; how could he _not _be Merlin while this _boy _was? _This_ Merlin looked so fragile and untainted; his black hair falling over his eyes, his scarf covering his neck, and his determined expression whenever he looked at Arthur.

He was _just _a boy.

"Arthur says he found you walking aimlessly in the town square." Merlin didn't take his eyes off me. "What were you doing there?"

"It doesn't matter if you know or not." I answered defiantly "…And you're _not_ Merlin, you _can't _be Merlin." The words sprouted from my mouth before I had any time to even register their existence. In my head, it sounded serious, daunting and maybe even intimidating; but out in the open, my words came out weak and childish.

There was a stunned silence "Who are you?" He asked, now looking at me curiously. "You can't be from Camelot and I can't think of anywhere else you might have come from." His innocent face regarded me with cautious suspicion.

For once I couldn't think of anything to say, any smart remark, and sarcastic comment to cover up the confused war raging in my head was absent. "My name is Clarissa, and I want to go home." My cheeks started to flush and I felt my throat burn. "I don't know what's going on and nothings making any sense around here-"

His ears reddened unexpectedly and Merlin, instead of averting my eyes, kept his gaze on mine. "Where did you come from?" He asked, leaning in closer. There was a mixed expression of pity and understanding hidden in his bright emerald glazed eyes.

"...It doesn't matter" I looked away and felt a sudden plummet. The bridge between us, covering centuries of differences and similarities, was broken.

Just then the door burst open for the third time that day, swinging wide to accommodate a haughty looking prince Arthur.

"Merlin you twit." He raved storming towards him. "I told you to put my clothes _back _in the _wardrobe _not _wash_ them!" Arthur held up a radically shrunk vest while Merlin fought back not to laugh, his eyes twinkled and he gave a small cough. But I felt incensed.

"He's _Merlin_!" I jumped up and faced Arthur in contempt. "He shouldn't be _washing_ your clothes; that's horrible!"

"Oh really, then I suppose I should be washing _his_ filthy rags instead because, if you didn't know, I value your opinion _so_ much" Arthur glanced at me in derision. "No offense Merlin."

"None taken" Merlin answered with such ease it was apparent he was accustomed to such abuse that it became almost habitual for him.

My eyes skimmed over to Merlin's face who was now staring at Arthur with an irritated, but more than not, appreciative air. It was hard to tell most of the time; the longer I studied his expression, the more mystified I got. "I'm sorry" He turned and walked out of the room. "I'll get right to it, Sire."

I followed Merlin out, stopping only once to stomp on Arthur's leather clad foot before stalking out

"Ass."

"Ow!" his voice resonated off the stone walls behind me. "_Honestly_!" There was a short pause "What was _that_ for?"

Ahead of me, Merlin's feathery dark head slowed down, and for a second I thought he was going to turn around and go back to Arthur, but then Merlin gave a soft cough, still unawares that I was tracing his footsteps with my own soles behind him, and quickened his pace.

"Merlin wait" I called out, only to be surprised by his spinning around tetchily. "I said I'll get to it-Oh. It's you." His expression softened. "Yes I wanted to talk to you actually."

"You want to know what I'm _doing_ here, you mean." I replied.

"It's more or less the same thing."

"I need to get home." I quickened my pace to catch up with his. "I don't know how I even got here, I know it sounds crazy but one second I was jogging in the forests and now…_here_ I am."

"Which kingdom did you come from?" He looked sideway at me; his face opened up concerned and reflexively considerate. Merlin slowed down a bit and I managed to catch up with him. But my chest froze at his words.

"_Kingdom_?" My heart dropped to an icy cold and I managed to croak through my rapidly dry throat "What year is it?"

"516" He replied, now looking straight at me. "We're here, come on."

Merlin stopped in front of a beautiful oak door, magnificently embellished and pushed it open. Our feet brushed against the carpeted floor and Merlin started picking a few bedraggled clothes heaped at the foot of the bed. But I couldn't breath.

I wouldn't see mami or papa ever again; I'll never able to live my _life_. Just yesterday I had it all in front of me: My graduation, _college_ or possibly a scholarship abroad, and now all if was suddenly nonexistent, like a cloud that was pushed away by stronger winds, I couldn't chase it back.

I would never see Robert again; and as much as he hurt me with his indifference, I still wished I could see him one more time. "I'm sorry, I have to go." I started to walk out. If I don't leave the room _now_…if I don't run away again, I'd lose it. I would break down in front of Merlin and humiliate myself.

_Idiot_. A snide voice whispered at the back of my head _where will you go if you leave now?_

"Your _clothes_." Merlin's voice stilled my feet and I turned around to see him peering strangely at me. "I've been to many kingdoms and lands but I've never seen any garments like yours"

The words 'never mind' were all I was able to utter through my constricted throat. Then a thought came to me. I _would_ get through this; hither, thither and non, I will manage to push away all memories of the past that I couldn't change and throw myself into this life of surreal denial. Even if it _kills_ me.

I swallowed a deep breath, choking back anything else the threatened to emerge and put on a quick smile "Need any help?"

"It would definitely quicken the pace." Merlin smiled encouragingly and started folding piles of clean linen off the bed. "Then maybe one of the knights could send you back."

"It doesn't matter" I answered soberly and walking to his side. "I don't think I'll ever be able to go home now


	3. Hope

**One month later…**

Once my mind tired of pretending everything was alright, it wasn't hard for the first day to melt behind the next, and the next, and the next. Before I knew it, each day seemed _more..._then _less_ and less painful, losing all of its meaning. One menial sunset was like the one before and the one after, there were so many sunrises and tears I had experienced that it felt like I had learnt nothing at all in the past month, but mentally, grew a hundred years older.

I walked mechanically, alongside Merlin - who was too busy looking to Arthur and the rest of the court's needs to check on me, but who was also the only who noticed and understood the dismal rejection I was going through – through each day's daily chores until it came to the extent where I would be walking down a corridor (the same marble columned corridor I used to behold in awe) and the next second, I would be walking down that same stretch of pathway _days_ later. The time in between was practically non-existent. Or in other words, my previous life was virtually concluded.

But it wasn't like I expected anyone to truly understand what I was experiencing; there wasn't another person who knew Robert, or my family, or my friends. And words can only take you _so _far when it comes to emotions.

Because as for the before-and-after moments, imagination - and the thought of suddenly, in the midst of nowhere, being wrenched away from everything (both loved and hated) you came to know – will take you the rest of the way. Words aren't everything.

Like every other day, I didn't remember exactly waking up. Faces were insignificant; I passed each and every one of them: King, pauper, cabbage puff seller, and didn't see their faces. I saw the anger at being cheated out of twenty pence. I saw the pride of cleaning out an entire shed and earning an honest day's living. _And _I saw the devotion for his son hidden behind a cold, calculated façade. Because that's how the weakest of men look.

If my life were to be turned into a story, I don't think it would be written the same way ever since I landed in Camelot. One month had dragged by and throughout the time, I lived in a virtually empty shell of a soul, but inside, my mourning and insistent wails of denial forced me to age mentally by decades.

I helped Merlin pile another neatly folded cloak on his laden arms. And, for the first time in weeks, _spoke_.

"Hi." I looked past the stack of cloths into his turquoise green pools. My voice took me off guard, it sounded unfamiliar and weak from the countless hours, day, weeks of constant neglect.

"Hi" He grinned while fighting to keep the mound from toppling over, making his cheekbones even more prominent.

"I'm Clarissa."

"I know." He tightened his grin into a cheery, closed mouth smile. "I haven't seen you for some time"

Literally, we saw each other every day. But most of the time, I breezed alongside him like a dirty, soiled cloud that never spoke; only blew and blew until everyone around me was all blown away. I learned to move my body and eat whenever necessary, but never consciously. I learned to nod and grunt, but that was as far as I'd go, occasionally seeing a face blur by but never being at the present to recognize it.

"I'm back now." I helped him lighten his burden and cradled my half of laundry. We both walked out, and I realized that I could count my footsteps again, I was aware of people walking by me, I knew when to nod and smile at the right people without causing offense. That day was the first time I felt alive again, like a switch was turned on somewhere deep inside me.

"Nice to see you, Merlin" Arthur walked towards us with his arms folded. "Hello, Vivien." He hid his surprise behind a contented, slow smile.

"Hello." I responded to the unfamiliar name Merlin came up with for me.

xoxox

**One month ago…**

"So…" I said after a few minutes of silent tidying "How did the world's most powerful warlock end up as Arthur's lowly manservant?" I frowned at a piece of chain mesh "Merlin, what do I do with…"

As soon as I saw his face, I knew there was something wrong. Merlin's skin was a chalky white and his entire body stiffened up. When he spoke, his words came out strangled. "I have _no_ idea what you're talking about." He smiled, but his eyes were too wide, too afraid.

"About what, the amour or your magic?" My hands fell to my side

"Never mind" he dove back into the floor, searching for an imaginary fleck of dust to clean.

Then it hit me, inconceivable but also peculiarly funny. What if _nobody_ knew about Merlin's powers? It wasn't according to syllabus but then again, _nothing_ was. And everything was already messed up as it is.

"The magic" I answered my own question, feeling doors unlock and windows open inside my head . "Oh. My. _God _you kept the magic secret!"

"You must have the wrong person." Merlin laughed in an attempt to sound jovial and lighthearted. "I'm just…" he shrugged. "Merlin."

"Exactly!" I exclaimed "You're _Merlin_, there's no other Merlin here! I _couldn't_ have gotten it wrong."

There was a loud silence between us, and then "Come with me." Before I knew it, Merlin was pulling me by my wrist, gently, out the door. All traces of nervous denial etched across his features was replaced by apprehension and hesitation.

"What about Arthur's room?" I asked, stunned by his unexpected solemnity.

Merlin's pale face was a contrast to the orange scarf he wore around his fair neck "Later."

We walked down an open aired hallway with pristine white, intricately carved columns but I was too inundated by the tidal like turn of events, each crashing into the other before I had any time to pull myself upright, to admire the graceful marble structures.

"But what about…" I asked again, only to have Merlin put a finger to his lips and stare at me meaningfully as we walked down the hallway outside. His eyes flashed a wordless message and I fell silent.

Our footsteps tapped softly against the marble floor and echoed behind the two of us like a flock of birds. I tried hard not to think about home as we walked on in stagnant silence, but each time I did, I'd look at Merlin's taut face and be reminded painfully that all of this wasn't just a game or a dream. It was as real as it could possibly get. Painful, _irrevocable _and filled with regrets.

After climbing a flight of stairs, Merlin brought me to the same room where Gaius and he treated me earlier. Gaius – who matched my mental image of how Merlin _should _have looked like more perfectly than the real thing standing beside me - turned around and scrutinized me silently.

"Well hello my dear, it's good to see that you're feeling better" His smile flickered and turned to Merlin "Aren't you supposed to be with Arthur?"

"Gaius" Merlin strode up to him, ignoring his query, and took in a deep breath before whispering loud enough for me to hear "Gaius, she knows."


	4. Names

"Knows-" Gaius spluttered. "Knows what?" He spun around so hastily that it looked like his sleeve was about to catch and topple a vial of dark fluid. But after it quivered for the second time, almost tipping off the edge, the vial suddenly stood upright of its own accord like a film played on reverse. I caught Merlin's eyes and swiftly looked away, averting his gaze.

His eyes.

They flashed a tiger-sharp amber before fading back into his cool emeralds.

"There's nothing to see here" Gaius's face bleached white, he made to usher me out of the room but Merlin put a hand out between us and stopped him.

"There's no point, Gaius. She knows." Merlin's already perceptible Adams apple bobbed slightly as he swallowed and he looked slightly apologetic. He _always _looked apologetic. Like his existence was a crime.

"Knows what?" Gaius's voice dropped to a dry whisper. They locked gazes and Gaius groaned loudly. He spun away but I could still see the war breaking out in his head."I knew it! I could tell she was trouble the first time I saw her, she's a witch!" He shot me a strange look, but it wasn't filled with hate or revulsion.

"I'm not a witch!" I gasped, torn between hilarity and abhorrence. Of all the things I could have been accused of by the worlds greatest wizard, it had to be a witch!

"Then how do you explain your clothes?" he asked me. Gaius looked controlled and suspicious, and although his face didn't change as much, there was a sort of power radiating from his person, it felt only natural for him to be in control over things. _Even _when his young prodigy of a near-son had been discovered.

"God!" I was near to laughing despite the mess I was in. "What _is_ it with my _clothes_?"

"There aren't any flaws at _all_ in the needlework" Gaius answered. He slowly circled me, so carefully that I wouldn't have noticed it if I wasn't feeling so tense at the moment "I noticed this when you were unconscious; each stitch is approximately the same length and in a perfect line. _No_ mortal hands could have sewn it!"

"_God_!" I repeated for the second time and crossed my arms around my upper torso. I suddenly felt very self conscious. "You _measured_ my stitches?"

"And you're wearing pants." Merlin added helpfully, his ears glowed.

I looked down at my jeans and felt my cheeks color then looked back at the pair. "Ok, back up." I brought my hands up to my chest, palms out in a defensive stance. "Lets just get this straight. First off, I'm _not_ a witch, or a sorceress or whatever whacked idea you might get in your head alright? Merlin is, so lets just-"

"Keep your voice!" Gaius shushed abruptly, his expression of one of sharp concern. Merlin's eyes were scanning the surrounding quarter for any potential eavesdroppers. "Do you want us all to lose our _lives_?"

"I'm not a witch" I avowed.

_'Our lives'_ He said...lives were at stake.

"I believe you." Gaius sat back in a chair wearily

I shut my mouth and stared at him in silent stupefaction once his words set in. "You do?" Merlin's voice masked over mine as we both asked the same question at the exact same time. His eyes quivered towards mine and instantly flicked back towards Gaius.

"Yes my dear, I do." Gaius nodded "I may not see a lie when it is deftly hidden but I _can_ tell a truth when it is out in the open…_even_ if everything else points to sorcery." He added tiredly but kindly. "You must leave immediately and never breathe a word of Merlin's powers to anyone. Camelot is no place for a broadminded lady like yourself; you'd stand out _too_ much here."

I nodded and exchanged looks with Merlin, he looked concerned and a little worried.

"But Gaius." Merlin protested after the silence that followed his caution"She has nowhere to go."

"Is this true?" Gaius peered at me kindly through his wizened face "You have _absolutely_ nowhere to seek refuge?"

_"And _she won't tell me where she came from." Merlin added, with the shadow of a whine in his otherwise earnest voice.

Gaius chuckled. "Everyone is entitled to hold their own secrets, Merlin. You, of all people should know that." Gaius tutted and turned to me once more. He looked worryingly at me "But what do we do with you?"

"I."

I stopped.

I honestly didn't want to be cast out into an alien world, where there was no one to talk to, or relate to, or go to when in need. But it was already _too _much to ask anymore of Gaius and Merlin. The two were a pair of father-son figures who were already living an average life with their own share of troubles and predicaments and all of a sudden I was barging in on their delicate bubble of normality, threatening to pop it.

Thankfully, before I could complete my refusal, Merlin cut in.

"We _have _to take her in, at least until she finds a way home." Merlin's eyes were earnest and untainted "_Come_ on Gaius, you never said no to _me_."

"I knew _your_ mother." Gaius huffed. "However…oh, all right. But we'll have to sort out a few things first, starting with your clothes." He huffed again as Merlin smiled broadly.

"But it's all I've got." I protested. My brown T-shirt and jeans were also the last pieces of memory I had to latch on to. Made by machine and commercially pressed – Things like that wouldn't even _exist_ until a thousand years later.

"I'll go borrow some clothes from Gwen." Merlin offered and darted out of the room as soon as the words left his lips.

"But _will_ she suspect anything?" Gaius started to shout, but by 'anything' Merlin was already well out of earshot. "Impulsive boy." He grumbled petulantly - however the look in his eyes showed only affection - and turned back to me. There was a short pause. "Well, let's just have a look at you."

"Excuse me?" I asked, taken aback.

Gaius smiled wisely "I'm the court physician, it's a simple procedure."

*

Five minutes later Gaius nods his approval and I jump off the chair, only too happy to move again. According to his words, expressions and patently incredulous muttering and jotting down on a small notebook, I had perfect teeth, flawless skin, a healthy heart and not a single indication of ever having endured a grave ailment. In other words: the closest thing to a witch.

But still, Gaius refused to revert to his previous assumptions of my being a sorceress, and for that reason plain and alone, I grew even fonder of the grandfatherly guardian to Merlin.

Merlin soon came back with a few sets of weathered cloths and it took a few more glimpses to tell that they were in actuality, worn clothes. Brushing my hand against the first collared shirt as Merlin handed to me promptly told me what I needed to know about the fabric's texture. It was wearable. Despite the coarseness of its stitched areas like the sleeve and collar portion, the rest of the textile was worn out and smooth feeling. There were the occasional patches or two but I was more than happy to put it on.

"You can use Merlin's room to change." Gaius indicated a staircase leading upstairs and Merlin led me to the steps, helping me up the moment he reached the top.

At his room, Merlin looked sheepish and guided me in. I swept the room with my eyes and picked out the sight of heaps of clothes lying…well, just about everywhere. And books scattered across the floor...and bed "Wow it's a mess." The words came out of my mouth involuntarily before i could register them "Oh, sorry!" I apologized to the sound of Gaius's riotous laughter emerging from downstairs.

"Never mind." He said, smiling apologetically at me. "Tell me when you're done." And Merlin closed the door, leaving me alone to swap clothes and my life.

I came out of that room that day, feeling like an entirely different person, but still in someway the same. Merlin was waiting outside the door and gave a startled jump as I pushed it open.

"You'd make a lousy guard" I grinned. I handed my clothes into his arms - instinctively stretched out and waiting for the laundry out of force of habit.

"You spend too much time changing." He joked and matched my grin. I flushed and followed him downstairs. To tell the truth, I'd only spent five minute's swapping clothes with Gwen, whoever Gwen was, and spending the rest of my time looking at my ethereal reflection in the mirror in Merlin's room. As I looked into the glass, I felt myself captivated by my eyes - they were sad and hollow. So, _so _hollow and I couldn't help but think: _Was this he start or the end?_

"My goodness you look perfectly natural now." Gaius exclaimed as we made our way down. He stood up, pushing the chair behind as he got up and came closer to me. There was a recognizing light in his eyes. "Merlin…" His voice dropped "Don't you think she looks just like…" His voice dropped off.

"I do." Merlin nodded. "What's your name?"

I began to grow anxious at their suddenly extricating stares. Who were they talking about? _Who_ did I look like? A hundred, a thousand possibilities flew through my mind only to be pushed away by a new notion, each worse than the other. A felon, a convict, someone guilty of countless massacres.

"My lady?" Gaius's voice broke through my train of thought and my eyes focused on the room once more.

"Huh? What?" I asked.

"Merlin was asking for your name?" He repeated Merlin's question

"Oh, umm. Clarissa." My legs felt exposed in the sunny yellow and brown dress I was wearing and I sat down on a chair sitting nearby and looked up at Merlin and Gaius, instantly feeling a lot more vulnerable and small.

Gaius turned to Merlin. His eyes widened and stared at me some more, the light of recognition getting brighter and brighter. "She looks _exactly_ like Vivien."

"I'm sorry" Merlin frowned as he thought hard "Who?"

"Her father is one of King Fortigan's people." Gaius looks intently at Merlin, as if, by _some _stroke of brilliance he'd remember. "I treated Vivien once, never forgot her eyes. Of course…she was just a young girl at that time, much younger than Cle…" He drifted off, absorbed in his own thoughts, then snapped back and looked in anticipation at Merlin.

"Err" Merlin says after a long pause "No." He grinned "Sorry" Gaius gave a grunt and Merlin continued "I was _about _to say she looks a lot like Nimue."

I gave a small start as the name hit my conscious mind. _Nimue_…the same person as Vivien or Vivianne…Almost instantaneously, an entire year of researching Arthurian legends rushed into my head, filling it to the brim with all the contradicting stories and names I memorized for the winter play. _She was the one who ended up destroying Merlin_.

I think.

All along, I'd never had any problem with Merlin's death, partially because all my life, he'd been just a fabricated character, an imaginary individual. But now, with him looking concernedly at me, through his clear, emerald eyes, over his orange scarf and past his earnest face, he looked so _real_. I couldn't accept that this boy would soon be at the painful mercy of someone. To think that I knew his end, and how it would come was too painful to bear. Even for the minuscule amount of time we spent together, I'd already grown terribly fond of Merlin. And I was afraid it was _more _than just fondness too.

"She _does_ look like Nimue as well." Gaius agreed and looked at me in a different way altogether. It made me feel even more susceptible sitting down.

His eyes seemed to bore deep holes under my flesh and his face froze rock solid. Gaius's eyes were harder than before and almost cold if I didn't know him. Finally I couldn't stand having anyone look at me with that much disgust and coldness, even if the rest of his face didn't show it. " Please don't look at me like _that_." I whispered back to his unwavering gaze.

"I'm sorry" Gaius's gaze softened considerably and he backed off a few steps. Only then did I realize to my discomfort that the two had been unconsciously edging towards me like I was some fascinating toy.

"But Gaius" Merlin brought up "We can't call her Clarissa, not in here."

"You're right, we'll have to come up with a different name."

"What about that…" Merlin racked his brains "That name you mentioned earlier – that _Vivien_."

Gaius looked at Merlin in wonder. "You _can_ use your brain after all!" Gaius complimented him affectionately and Merlin's ears flushed. "It's a suitable name, but it's up to her."

"OK" I swallowed; the saliva was cold and ominous, subsequent to the name I was given. "Vivien's fine by me."


	5. Vulnerablity

**Warning: The first taste of real action, lots of sword fighting and Arthur/Merlin love/hate-ism.**

**The idea for this story was actually based on what a few of my friends have gone through... but there's something wrong with it...Argh!!! I dunno what it is...just doesn't seem _right_. Anyways, please tell me what you think and/or what you'd like to happen next**

**Damn...it doesn't seem right. (You can assume that I have, or _will _be re-writing this chapter)**

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* * *

**

The next morning was spent walking around the kingdom, shuffling amid bustling hawkers and fruit sellers. Tall, powerful towers stood over us as I surreptitiously made my way through the crowd; they caste a low shadow dimming over everything, making it even easier for me to move around undetected and observe the people of Camelot living their lives in peace like a colony of ants; perfectly oblivious to the dangerously discordant girl standing over them, throwing down a dark shadow and watching. Trying to fit in even though it was impossible.

_Gaius coughed shortly just as Merlin finished his breakfast and looked over his two palms, placed together almost as if he was praying, at the two of us._

_"So what'm-I doin today?" I asked, through a mouthful of oat._

_"Swallow before speaking." Gaius's wise voice admonished. He looked slightly troubled as he appraised me, imaginably regretting his decision of taking me under his wing. _

_My throat constricted. Don't think about that._

_"Maybe...she could help Gwen out with her duties." Merlin suggested helpfully. "Gwen's already busy enough as Lady Morgana's maidservant."_

_An expression of mild astonishment hit Gaius's face "You never cease to surprise me, Merlin." Gaius looked at him affectionately with a hint of wonder "You're a lot smarter than you look."_

At first, I didn't think that I'd manage to walk around as unnoticed as I was. Any second now, I'd think to myself, someone would notice that I didn't belong amongst them and cast me out of Camelot, create an unwanted upheaval or drag my screaming body to the dungeons on account of trespassing. But as Gaius predicted, nobody really seemed to notice how out of place I felt inside, or how I flinched away whenever someone, anyone, came a little too close for comfort.

Threading through the hordes of people, my brain felt too limp and dreamlike to be fully conscious, but then I'd catch a whiff of hay mixed amongst animal droppings…misty sweat dissolved in morning air or the sporadic muddy scent lingering along the market floor and instantly sober up.

Just the smallest brush on my shoulder would make me stumble away in shock, and as hard as I tried to weave in and out without coming into contact with anyone, there would always be the inevitable shouldering or accidental shove now and again.

"Sorry" I mumbled to a woman I inadvertently bumped into while trying to avoid another man to my right. "tripped."

"Oh that's all right." She smiled brightly and looked me in the eyes. The girl had the purest smile I'd ever seen. "As long as you're not injured…" She trailed off as her eyes finally took me in and widened. "My word. You're _beautiful_." She stated suddenly and I felt myself flush at her unintentional directness.

My eyes followed her gaze as they trekked down my neck to the knee length area where my skirt flared out, just a bit. "Nice…dress." She smiled brightly again as if reading my mind.

"Oh yes." I switched to her accent mindlessly. "I borrowed it from someone." I could feel a name niggling at the back of my head. "Gwen, I think?"

"Oh!" The girl's eyes widened and she looked pleasantly surprised as she inclined her head softly to one side to look at me. "You must be Vivien, Gaius's niece. Nice to meet you, come, walk with me" She beamed and managed to stretch out a hand while still carrying a basket of flowers. I followed her footsteps out of the rowdy crowded area.

"Oh, his-his niece?" I said, feeling surprised at how fast the rumor seemed to have spread.

"I'm Guinevere but you can call me Gwen." Guinevere gave a small, shy laugh "_Everyone_ calls me Gwen; I don't think I've ever heard someone call me Guinevere for a long time."

"Alright then, lady Guinevere." I couldn't help but grin at her sweet cheeriness. "I suppose I'll be the first then? Oh, and Gaius asked me to find you."

"And here I am!" She laughed and looked at me serenely "But I'm _not_ a lady." She gave a small twirl as we walked down the cobblestone road. "_I'm_ just the humble daughter of the village blacksmith."

We walked in silence for a few more seconds until something clicked in my brain, flashing brilliance, and I stopped short.

"Oh my god!" I shouted, abruptly hit by a burst of blinding obviousness. "Shut. UP! _Guinevere_!!!"

"Pardon?" She looked shocked at my outburst.

"This is too weird." I grinned at her surprised look and sobered up "I mean…it's just that you're the most beautiful woman in all the land of Camelot."

Guinevere laughed even more beautifully, kindness showing instead of conceit. "You must be joking; either that or you're referring to Morgana. Now _she's_ the most beautiful in Camelot. Me, I'm just the royal seamstress."

Huh. Go figure.

Guinevere put down her basket to open a small wooden door "Well, this is where we're stopping. That is, if you would like to come in?" She posed it as a question. We walked into the house after Guinevere unlocked the door with a brass key, picked up her basket of flowers and led me in. "I'm sorry" She gestured to a small seat "It's not exactly a castle, but its home."

"It's beautiful." I answered politely.

And it was. Simple, but beautiful. There weren't any of the elaborate decorations and embellishments of the white castle to be found, but the cottage seemed to glow with its own repertoire of fond memories and reminiscences. Sturdy walls encased the double roomed house and a bed stood reliable and snug in an opposite room.

Guinevere paced into the kitchen and emerged with a vase full of fresh, springy flowers. But just as she set to put it down on a short table, two short knocks broke through the serene ambiance that started to set in and caused both Guinevere and I to turn around in surprise. Another set of knocks ensued, the type that sounded urgent but still professional at the same time, and Guinevere placed the vase on the table, not even bothering to look at the flowers, and hurried to the door.

She opened it and poked her head outside. There was the shadowed stature of a man standing in front of her but I couldn't make out his face. They talked briefly, Guinevere's face fell, she nodded and closed the door once more after the man bowed his head and departed.

Guinevere returned to my side. "I'm sorry; the Lady Morgana needs me in the castle." She sighed and looked outside a window.

"That's OK." I replied then paused at her distressed expression "It _is_ OK, isn't it?"

"Yes, no. I mean, _no_." Guinevere looked outside again. "There are still a few things I haven't bought, and papa will need his dinner soon."

"Look" I said, taken in by her distress. _Whoever_ this Morgana was, she had better have a good reason to call Guinevere away. "Just…don't worry. Here…_You_ go ahead to Morgana-whoever-she-is and _I'll_ get dinner ready."

_What_ was I saying?

Guinevere looked hesitant at first, and who could blame her? My hands - soft and white as doves, looked like they've never seen a sunny days worth of good, hard work. But then Guinevere's face softened and a trusting smile spread across it.

She handed me a short list with a few notes "Thank you, ever so much." Smiled worryingly at me and turned. Exited. Shut the door behind her.

I ventured a glance at the top of the list in my hand.

_Parsley×2…chicken×1…_I looked away, lifted the hem of my irritably long yellow skirt, and followed after Guinevere's footsteps out of the house. There would always be time to refer to the list later back at the marketplace.

Before I shut the door, I mechanically jotted down a mental note: the flowers in the vase looked like they could use some water.

*

Back in the crowd. Back in the chaos. Only this time, I was standing inches away from a puddle of mud feeling swamped and uncertain of what to do next. An invisible cloud of sweat stench hovered around me and I dove to a more teeming, but less reeking air pocket. In front of us, a stall with raw chicken hung on hooks. I looked down at my feet. Some more mud.

People jostled and pressed against me, making their way in and out of the bedlam. To my right was an old woman shouting above the crowd; and to my left, a relatively handsome man stood calmly. His head poked above the sea of women's hair and buns, and almost as if he read my mind, the man's eyes swiveled among the lower faces and caught on mine.

Someone from behind gave a quick shove and I was thrust in his direction. "I'm so sorry!" I instantly backed off, feeling blood rush up and blossom in m cheeks. My left heel caught on its right sided counterpart and before I even had time to gasp in surprise, the ground beneath my feet allegedly slid sharply to one side and my arms were thrown in the air as I struggled not to fall. Then I felt a hand on my waist, its fingers bit into my dress through the man's strength and I managed to steady myself shakily. The man gripping my side smiled a flashing grin through his charming face. "No harm done." He said. His smile slid as his gaze fell to my dress "I'm afraid just a little."

I primed myself with another round of apologies when it occurred to me that apologies might not be enough; the man's trousers were splattered with splotchy drops of black mud. Or at least, I thought with a new found tingle of nausea, what I _hoped_ was mud.

To my dismay, when I glanced down at my own clothes, I saw that the worn out yellow cloth was perfectly ruined by the splatter of mud that managed to find its way up from the puddle at my feet as well.

"I'm sorry" I said, for the umpteenth time "I don't have any spendable money with me right now but-" My hands flattened the apron as far down as it could go "but I promise you I can get some later."

"Don't bother." He brushed away the apologies with a swift motion. "I should be the one apologizing, not a fair lady like yourself."

"Thanks but I'd feel really bad knowing that I've just destroyed a man's clothes." I flicked my list around in the air while talking to him. His words were sweet and charming and capable of making _any_ woman blush.

"Then come with me to my house and we can talk about it. My sister has just left me with a new frock and I have no idea what to do with it." He chuckled, took my hand and led me out of the crowd. "She will be delighted to meet you and I'm sure you would like a change of clothes."

"Wait!" I shrugged off his arm and stopped walking "I still have to get Guinevere her ingredients."

"You can invite her over to my place for supper then." He replied kindly. The offer was too tempting to miss and I couldn't help stop thinking how charming and educated he looked.

He took my hand once more and guided me down the streets. Our shadows looked short and stunted in the afternoon sun and his palm sweated against mine. But even if he noticed it, the man made no effort to let go, which was a very caring suggestion that I could neither ignore, nor play along with.

But my spirits fell once we reached his alleged home. It was shabby and run down. I turned to look at him but all of a sudden his grip tightened in a dead lock. He started to lug me in jerky pulls with less finesse than I would have liked. My mind and body froze in an onslaught of panicked emotions as I swung my neck around as far as it could turn without snapping, desperately searching for anyone who could be looking our way and realizing the threat I was in. Panic roared in my brain and in another second, I couldn't even think as he brought me closer to the door. A few more steps and we would be shut out from the outside world.

"Don't try anything stupid, Dearie." He whispered in my ear, using the same caring tone, only now it sounded perverse and menacing. I caught a whiff of alcohol in his breath and forced my neck to cringe away from the tang as far as possible, mentally beating myself up for not noticing it in the first place. He chuckled and slowed down, in all probability to relish my discomfort.

I swiveled my head even further from his mouth.

Then, almost like a miracle, I saw the face of Guinevere walking down the street to her own cottage. "Guinevere!" I shouted as loudly as possible, earning a sever clap on the head. Stars blinded me and I blinked away tears from the pain. Whatever chance I had was lost, the man (whom I now realized I didn't even know his name) dragged me swiftly inside and then, there was darkness.

I blinked some more, and slowly, the dark room started to brighten as my eyes adjusted to the dimness. Then my heart caught in my throat.

The room…

It was filled with several men.

I swung away from my captive and gave him a sharp jab in his stomach. There was no way I'd do the clever thing and wait for his mouth to plant itself on mine. Whatever the cost, I was already a dead woman if I let them take me. The man groaned and fell to his knees. The rest of the men jumped up nervously, unsure of what to do next.

Caught in my attention on the other chaps in the room, I didn't notice that the man I felled had got up until he slapped me full hard in the face. Stars blinded my vision once more but this time I was accustomed to the pain and gave him a chopping kick in the area that all men cherish and curse as their very own secret weakness. He fell to the floor once more, moaning.

Was I grateful for the three years spent learning Taekwando?

Duh.

Like one, the rest of the men in the room pounced on me. It wasn't like what you saw in the movies. No words.

Only hunger. Rushing.

I was caught and pinned against a wall ruthlessly and felt fear take over my head yet again. I was sure that I could feel a bruise beginning to bloom on my shoulder. Then, unbelievably convenient like a pre-happy ending, the door burst open and two men rushed in: one tall and broader than the thin, weaker looking boy beside him. But then again, who was I to complain?

"Merlin!" I cried out, feeling intense relief surge through me. If there was one thing I could be certain of, it was that my heart had never had a more extreme workout than that day.

"Oh _great_." Arthur swung his sword around in a fancy arc "She calls the _servant's_ name." he tossed his sword to Merlin and in the same movement, slipped another blade out of its scabbard. Arthur's face was drawn and almost enjoying the men's expressions.

Merlin caught the sword clumsily, nearly severing a few of his own fingers in the feat and held it, both of his fingers splayed. "But sire-" He began.

"It's a _sword_ Merlin." Arthur charged smoothly at the nearest man "Use it."

Merlin swung wide at the man facing him hesitantly and somehow managed to hit home. I was caught in mid-cheer when I heard a whistling sound next to me and I ducked sharply, just as a sword came whittling through the air where my head was just a second ago. I kicked the handle out of my assailant's surprised grip and the sword went soaring through the air, pinning someone's tunic to the wall, however I was too occupied to see who it was.

We wrestled on the floor for a small knife lying just out of reach, and I could see that as dark as his intentions were, the man whose arm was pushing against my shoulder was still afraid to go any further than that. He was no match compared to the psychopathic rapist and serial killers of the twenty-first century and was still hesitant about fighting dirty.

I on the other hand, wasn't.

I'm not proud about what I did that day. But amidst a lot of clawing and well aimed punches and jabs, he finally went still in an unconscious daze and I shakily got to my feet.

Merlin was still fighting awkwardly with his long sword but doing a much better job at guarding Arthur's back with fast moving objects that mystically flew across the room to knock other men out. Thankfully, Arthur was also taking his fair share of fighting with the man who picked me up in the market, and didn't have any time to notice his otherwise peaceful and undisrupted clash.

Then before I could leap into action and help the men out, I felt a cold hard blade on my collarbone and froze in sudden terror.

"See what happens when you do stupid things lassie?" His voice crooned and I felt my assailant pull me backwards away from the fight. Then his arms suddenly slacked the same time I heard a loud thud. I spun around to see Arthur's face looking grim.

"But you were standing…" I couldn't finish my sentence in breathless gasps.

"You're welcome." He answered gruffly. The standard gentleman.

Arthur stepped over my unconscious assailant and looked at Merlin who was making his way across the floor littered with wounded men. We walked out - I slowly and unsteadily - to the streets where the afternoon sun flooded the roads, making everything cheery and warm. But there was still an icy chill inside of me that wouldn't go away.

"You're safe!!!" I was attacked by a flurry of dark, curly hair and a blinding smile. Guinevere flung her arms around me and cried out. "I'm terribly sorry; I was so worried when I saw you with that horrible man!"

"Merlin" Arthur interrupted us, he was looking hard at the boy's back. Merlin, who was staring uncomfortably at a wounded man convulsing on the floor, jerked his head up and looked expectantly at Arthur. "Take your friend home."

*

"Home so soon?" Gaius's voice greeted me as I made my entrance. "Wasn't there anything else you could help Gwen out with?"

"There wasn't much to do." I replied emptily. Merlin brought me to his bedroom.

"And you." Gaius's voice continued downstairs. "Aren't you supposed to be with Arthur? You know how much he hates to be kept waiting."

There was a pensive pause before Merlin answered. "I'll be seeing King Uther about some issues."

"Since when does King Uther ever want to see _you_?" Gaius's voice asked wonderingly.

I didn't manage to hear the rest because at that moment, the rest of my breaths came out in shaky, suppressed sobs. Each shudder felt drawn from my heart and puncturing it. I couldn't stop.

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	6. Guinevere

**This chapter's emphasizing on Merlin-Gaius's relationship and Merlin-Gwen's relationship. Am _still _wondering where the story's headed so if you've got any ideas at all, I'd really appreciate them! It's the morning after Clarissa's near escape, she's not as depressed as I predicted she would be in the second chapter (I think!) but more than anything, what happened yesterday (in the story) was the start of it.

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Sheets of washed out light from the dawning sun soaked into the room, I gave a lazy yawn and stretched out all four limbs like a cat. The soft bed gave a creak as I did so. And the warm covers felt so good as they rubbed against my taut limbs – which were searching mindlessly across the bed – that I didn't want to _ever _get up. Then my fingers knocked against something hard in their venture and curled around it, dragging the article closer to my chest.

I took in a sleepy breath of morning air and hugged the object embracingly. A sharp edge dug into my shoulder and it took several more seconds for the sharp, edgy pain to sink in. I opened my eyes and looked down.

"Holy crap!" I leapt out of bed, dropping the square shaped item ad looked across the room, feeling fazed. For a minute, my mind was a blank and I had no idea where was I, save for a niggling feeling pinching away at the back of my head.

I blinked.

Then it all came back to me. Patchily at first, then faster and faster, flowing through and filling up all the blank spots in my mind: Arthur and Merlin bursting into the room in the nick of time like a pair of superheroes - an assortment of kicks and punches - someone's hot, putrid breath on my neck - kneeling on Merlin's bed feeling a wash of pent up emotions suddenly let out. I flushed at the last thought as flashes of how vulnerable I really was came back to me; it wasn't easy for me to come to terms at how close I came to...how I nearly...At least, not after living a life believing myself to be unbreakable. With a new discernment of where I was and a throbbing headache, I picked up the book and leafed through its crusty yellow pages.

Closed its hard cover.

The volume was filled with Celtic writing of some sort…or Gaelic, or whatever; it could have been Jawi, dancing in Chinese scriptures and I wouldn't be able to tell the difference. But there was no denying how the book felt, resting in my palms. It was warm, like a living breathing essence, and there was an electric feel to the book's cover that prickled my fingertips as I ran it over. Of course, I _should _have known by the first touch what it contained on the inside, but at _least _I knew now: Old Magic.

I slipped the book under Merlin's bed and covered it up with a swathe of clothes lying conveniently within an arms reach – not that there wasn't anything that _wasn't _– then walked downstairs with an incredulous expression fixed on my face. Merlin really should have been more cautious with his head if he's intending to keep it.

"Good morning child." Gaius greeted me, looking up from his writing on a piece of parchment with a white feather. He had breakfast laid out on the table and I noticed it was only set for one.

"Gaius." I rejoined and took a seat. "Where's merlin?" Merlin's seat was empty and so was his bed.

_I know. I slept in it._

Gaius looked at me wearily through tired eyes. He stood up and began clearing the table. I didn't touch my food.

"Gaius," I repeated, fearing the worst. "Where's Merlin?"

"I'm not sure." He replied. Gaius looked uncertainly at me. "He's been out ever since you came back yesterday after-noon. I believe he's at the castle with Arth - Vivien," Gaius's face was a flash of concern. "what's wrong?"

"Nothing." I stood up and headed for the door. "But I think it might have something to do with what happened yesterday."

"_What_ happened yesterday?" He asked sharply. There was a sudden shadow of anxiousness in Gaius's tone but it was too late. By then I was already out the door and heading down the steps and pretended to not have heard him.

This time I didn't bother to stay out of the townspeople's attention. Instead, still wearing the same yellow dress -soiled from mud- that I donned yesterday, I walked all the way down the cobblestone road to the tall towers of Camelot's castle.

Halfway there, I happened to notice a group of laughing and lively villagers gathered in one spot, cramped so tightly that I couldn't see past the first row, they were all shouting and jumping and throwing fists into the air. I craned my neck to catch a better view. Then I noticed a familiar, friendly face coming towards me from the corner of my eye.

"Vivien!" Guinevere quickened her pace and soon reached my side. "What are you doing here?"

"I was looking for Merlin, Gaius said he might be at the castle."

"Yes," Guinever nodded and we neared the roaring crowd. "King Uther needed a testimony from Merlin about the-about what happened." She hastily corrected and I pretended not to notice.

"What's going on?" I asked, nudging my way past the swarm of shouting townsfolk. There were sounds of splattering and another of someone laughing, groaning and spitting all at once. In fact, it sounded a lot like...

"I think they've locked someone in the stocks again." Gwen raised her voice above the shouts and laughs emitting from all around us but I barely heard her reply as i swiftly forced my way past the final row of obstruction into the center of the mob.

"Merlin!" I shouted, hearing Guinevere echo behind me.

He was sandwiched between two boards of hard wood with three holes to enclose his neck and both arms, grinning sheepishly and almost enjoying the torture - or so it would seem - as much as the residents throwing rotten fruits and vegetables at him were. Occasionally, a particularly rotten piece of fruit would land near his lips, a little too close for comfort and Merlin would spit it out, his face almost comical.

Guinevere looked both fondly and sad at Merlin who was doing his best to duck and avert the fiber based projectiles being launched at him. In front of me was a little boy, laughing gleefully while dipping his hand into a straw woven basket of fruis and hauling them with all his ten year old might. But funnily enough, Merlin appeared to be enjoying the children's delight. Until, that is, a raw, hard potato flew at the board just two inches from his face.

Finally, the baskets of waste were exhausted and the crowd gradually dispersed, bit by bit, to continue their schedule of work or daily chores. A few stopped by Merlin to shake his hand before making off, but mostly turned and left, their laughter leaving little footprints in the air.

As the mob thinned, Merlin caught sight of us and gave another grin. "I forgot how much fun this was" he joked sarcastically.

I made my way over the remains of veg and flattened fruit littered across the road but Guinevere held back. "What happened?" I asked the question both of us wanted to know.

He sighed. "King Uther decided it was _disgustingly _irresponsible to have left you on your own for the second day of your stay in Camelot." Merlin looked terribly uncomfortable with his head and arms clamped together and his torso forced to bend lower until he reached my height, but still managed to salvage another smile, although this time it looked more like a grimace.

"What about Arthur?" Guinevere looked down at Merlin with the impression of a concerned mother. I noticed that she was standing a bit closer now.

"he's furious." merlin answered

"I stared at merlin, feeling a ball of incredulity form at the pit of my stomach. "I know Arthur sounds _rough_, but he doesn't _hate _you."

"Utterly repulsed." Merlin said. "All that's happened to you; it's all my fault."

"Hang on..." I fumbled with my hair, extracting something and a lock of black hair came tumbling down. Pinching the hair pin at an arms length, I proudly assured Merlin that he'd be free in a second.

"With a piece of metal?" He asked dubiously, his face mirroring the expression on Guinevere.

"Yup. Now hold still." I grinned. Then, close enough for just Merlin to hear, I added "It's called witchcraft without the witching."

As Merlin looked at me, pure confusion splayed across his face, i got to work. Straightening out the hairpin and inserting it into the keyhole, I aligned the pin's ridged side with the key's ridge side, constantly checking my progress. Then I gently turned the hairpin, applying a gentle but steady pressure as I did and finally heard a click after a few seconds of niggling.

"Nothing to it." I pressed the pin back in my hair.

"You're a life saver you are, Vivien." Merlin massaged his wrists and beamed.

"But what will King Uther say when he finds out you're free before the castle guards release you?" Guinever asked.

Merlin's face fell at her words. "Oh. Right."

"Since it's me who nearly got raped and god knows what, don't you think I get a say in whether Merlin deserves to be strung up like a pig or not?" I burst out after a thoughtful silence, watching Merlin and Guinevere's face grow more and more troubled. And at both of of their blank expressions, continued. "Well I _do_. And I say Merlin's good to go so _there_!"

"If Uther would think that way." Merlin said.

"Well" Guinevere said after another awkward pause "Nice to see you Merlin" She smiled at him. "Vivien."

She walked away back in the direction of the castle, probably to return tending to Lady Morgana. And _even _though I hadn't met her yet, I was already forming bad impressions on the king's ward. But, seeing after all, that according to legend Morgana was Arthur's evil half sister, the biased feelings were more than likely justified.

*

When we returned to the physician's room, Gaius looked up from a stack of books at Merlin and groaned loudly. "Not again Merlin, surely!"

Merlin grinned the same sheepish grin. "I washed Arthur's clothes and shrunk them by accident."

"That's _Prince _Arthur to you." Gaius chided. "And I'd _like _to hope that you've learnt your lesson but I'm afraid stupidity is rarely cured." He scolded, but more fatherly than anything else. The fondness Gaius apparently held for Merlin was evident and more bountiful than the relationship between any mentor and student should have. They were like father and son, the way Merlin kept looking to Gaius whenever he was expected to say something to Arthur or anyone else in authority.

"And er," Merlin added to cover up the discomfort from his half lie. "Well, i saw Gwen just now."

"_Did _you?" Gaius seemed much more interested and even a little wry. "You seem to be seeing and talking to her a lot lately."

"Well you know, she _does _work for Morgana and Morgana _is _the king's ward and King Uther _is _Arthur's father, so I suppose it's just natural that I should be seeing more of her." His ears glowed.

"Gwen is a nice girl." Gaius looked pointedly at Merlin. "She's helped me send Morgana her medicine for her nightmares whenever you're not around."

"I was with Arthur." Merlin argued.

"So you were." Gaius decided not to pursue the subject even though I could see that he was far from believing.

I meditated on their conversation long after Merlin left the room and I helped Gaius out with his work - being told that I was far less clumsy than his previous assistant, and I could guess who! - Then, as my thought's reached the part of their exchange about Guinevere, something clicked as I matched both Gaius and Merlin's expressions with Guinevere's attitude today.

Oh.

_Oh_...

"Gaius." I turned to him while corking a flask labeled _Mellicene_.

"Hmm?" He didn't look up but when he did, Gaius's eyes widened. "Be careful!"

"Sorry." I pushed another vial that was placed precariously near the edge further in. "I was wondering,"

"Yes?"

"Does Merlin like Guinevere?" I asked.

"She's a lovely girl, very helpful. I don't see why _not_." He answered. Now looking straight at me.

"I mean, like..._like _her."

"Well you're going to have to ask her _yourself _now wont you?" He replied promptly and passed me a bottle labeled _Morgana. _I held the bottle and watched him scribble something down on a square piece of parchment, pushing that into my hands as well. "Fourth floor, seventh door to the right. If you have any questions, the guards nearby should be able to help you get there."

I stared at him, then down at the bottle and parchment blankly...I was going to see _Morgana_!

"Go!" He shooed me out and I quickly snapped back to reality and left the room.

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**REVIEW OR DIE!!! Sorry, I'm feeling a little bit high today :)**


	7. Morgana

**I'm sorry!!! these chapters just seem to be getting too angsty...doh!!! Ok, so the entire chapter goes like this: OC and Morgana meet - OC doesn't like Morgana - OC finally has a chance to go home (yay!!!) Not very creative, i know, so PLEASE send in your ideas if you have any!!!**

**Last week, faced with the prospect of either dying or posting a review, i am proud to say that people have _finally _been giving me a piece of their oh-so-precious thoughts, and the response, although lacking in quantity, was _outstanding _in quality and advice. So I'd like to take a bit of your time to thank these few people (just hold _on_...You can start reading later. Listen to your king: Be polite. or I'll cut your heads off)  
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**Halows 07 for her supreme advice in all things literary, both xxDibDabxx and Mystical-Magical-Wytch for being with me off from the start. Meidelynn, my blogger friend and** **MagicByMerlin a fellow Merlin Fanatic.

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I knocked on a wooden door which was emblazoned with copper markings and waited patiently for someone to answer it. Sure enough, there were the soft footsteps tapping along the floor, nearer and nearer then they stopped. Finding Lady Morgana's chambers was actually much easier than I had expected; all I had to do was follow the hallway, down to-

"Hello?" Guinevere's voice greeted me just a second before her face did, which was now peeking out. Then her eyes widened pleasantly as they took me in. "Wait here." She instructed gently and turned around, facing her back towards me, and her front to a girl nearing womanhood who was sitting on a stool, looking out the window.

"Yes?" A surprisingly unremarkable, average voice emerged. I looked over Guinevere's shoulders; Morgana's back was tall and stiff and so…_posh_.

"Tell her I've brought her medicine" I whispered to Guinevere and caught myself just as the last word came out. What was I _doing_ whispering when clearly, there was nothing wrong that I'd done? Unless it could be deemed as treachery to hold a biased prejudice against the King's ward, who _was _going to kill so many people in the future, so what harm would a few unkind thoughts do?

"Your tonic is here." Guinevere imparted my message, opening the door wide open to accommodate me.

I walked in past Morgana, balancing the tray that held a flask of dark brown liquid and a small note from Gaius before placing it on a small table next to Guinevere. Morgana's back was still facing me as she stared out the window and Guinevere returned to brushing her hair.

"Merlin," Morgana gave a deep breath and I noticed that her voice was sounding wobbly. "Tell Gaius that the medicine he gave me is ineffective. The dreams," She gave another deep breath. "Are getting worse."

Even then, Morgana vetoed herself from meeting my gaze and kept her back stiffly faced towards me. Guinevere however seemed to be a bit distraught as she brushed through Morgana's hair with a wooden comb, then she caught my eyes and gave me a small smile. _Everything's fine. Go back to Gaius._

No, everything _wasn't_ fine. Even a five year old could see that. "Guinevere" I chanced it "Is everything alright."

"What? Oh, yes, of course." She stopped brushing as Morgana turned around in surprise and instead, Guinevere placed her hand holding the comb below her chin and supported that elbow the her other arm like a capital L.

I took in a sharp breath and held it.

There. Right in front of me, was this…this _apparition_. Morgana had silky dark hair and smoldering eyes. A perfect beauty, ethereally elegant, and there was this _air_ around her that seemed to make everything glow. But there weren't any elaborate hand gestures when she addressed me, no silky deep voice neither. Morgana acted perfectly normal and unremarkable except that she looked unbelievably picturesque, like a model straight out of the magazine.

She held her neck straight and tall, either out of force of habit or conceit, and looked down at me even though she was sitting down. There wasn't any question about it; Morgana was the real lady here. _Only, her eyes looked a little pinkish and moist._ "Guinevere, who is this?" Even when she spoke, Morgana refused to turn away from her looking down at me.

"That is Vivien, my Lady." Guinevere answered humbly. She gave me a brilliant, encouraging smile.

"Where's Merlin?"

There were a few short knocks on the door and we all turned to look, Guinevere was about to answer the door when it opened to reveal Arthur in all his Arthurian glory.

"Arthur, what a _pleasant_ surprise." Morgana commented wryly while noncommittally sweeping her dress sleeve across her misty eyes. "Did you lose your manservant again?"

"Don't get over excited Morgana." Arthur swiftly replied "This isn't an unofficial visit" He exchanged looks with Morgana

_"Uther_." Morgana's face and tone suddenly dropped to a humorless intensity as the penny dropped.

"Father," Arthur nodded and gritted his teeth. "He's caught someone at it again. The trial's tonight and he's asked for your attendance"

Then Arthur finally seemed to notice me, or at least found the space to announce his recognition. "Vivien. I see you _girls_ have met…" he muttered and glanced at Morgana "Doing…_girl_ things."

Morgana, who was already agitated by the news of the trial and whatever happened before that, seemed to have had enough from Arthur. She pushed him out of the door. "Thank. You. Arthur." Then her tone softened "Who is he?"

At first I didn't catch _who_ they were talking about until I took in their three somber faces._ It was the prosecuted sorcerer._

"Not _he_ Morgana…_Her_." Arthur said "It's Mellicene."

Guinevere gave a muffled gasp and everyone turned to see her seal her mouth with her hands. And even _I_ felt a soft shiver up my spine; just an hour ago, I was helping Gaius to bottle Mellicene's prescription.

Arthur put his hand on Guinevere's shoulder and instantly withdrew it. "I'm sorry" he said. And left.

Now I was left alone with two girls who were obviously trapped in their own quandaries. Guinevere was misting up and Morgana looked dark and troubled. Suddenly her slender neck snapped up and she looked at me.

"Guinevere, you and…her may leave now." Morgana said. "I won't be needing your assistance tonight."

It was like a pole, her neck was. So tall and mighty, maybe Morgana was afraid of coming down.

"But my lady." Guinevere started.

"Now Guinevere." It was final.

We both left the room, Guinevere returned to tending to the cottage and her father whilst I returned to Gaius. Not that there was anything of real importance to do anyways.

Then, just as I was about to enter the physician's quarters, I heard voices…

*

"_What do you mean Cle…cal…_Vivien_ is getting worse?" It is Merlin's voice through the door that I hear first. "She looks perfectly healthy."_

"_That is because you never see beyond the physical state of health, child.' _Gaius_ this time. And he sounds weary and gruff. He _always_ sounds weary and gruff. "Everyday when I look into Vivien's eyes I notice that they are getting emptier and emptier each passing moment."_

"_Emptier each day…but what does that mean?"_

"_It means that she is finding it harder and harder to fill her life with anything anymore."_

"_But…but why would she do that?" Merlin's voice is suddenly years younger and more innocent. And for a second, I wanted to hold him, to comfort him._

"_Is there anything that you aren't telling me?" Gaius's voice is stern and I start playing with colors in my mind to subsitute for the lack of vision. Gaius's voice painted a dark brown in my minds eye._

"_No…I didn't do anything. What…Why are you asking me, I didn't do _anything_?" Merlin asks. Flabbergasted, taken completely by surprise. Yellow._

"_For a great warlock you really _are_ a terrible liar." Gaius. Blue. Not as angry as his words would imply._

"_I didn't do anything all right?" Orange._

"_I hope you haven't gotten yourself into any trouble this time, Merlin." Black. There is a blank space where I can't hear anything then Gaius continues. "Merlin, you have to take her back."_

"_But she won't even tell me where she came from." Green._

"_If you want her to live, then you will do as I say." Black._

"_I can't. Gaius, you know I can't." Green._

"_You have to." Black. Gaius is telling him off and once again, I fail to hear Merlin's reply if there even _was_ one. "Merlin. What happened yesterday?"_

_Silence. Merlin must have left the room._

Four hours later, I was still sitting on Merlin's empty bed staring straight at the wall. It was torture but I grew to learn to love the dull throbbing pain of no-return. Turning the words around in my head, trying to see if there was anything I was supposed to decode. Anything at all. There it was, shinning like a plate of breast amour left in the sun, my one way to go home: ask the world's greatest child of a warlock to send me back.

It was so simple. So why wouldn't he?

A hand clapped on my shoulder and I twitched madly away, feeling panic flood my system. Then I hear someone shouting in the distance "Don't touch me!" It took a few more minutes for me to realize that it was _me_ shouting my head off. But to my utter shock, I couldn't stop. Even when I recognized Merlin's soft eyes, his feathery black hair and his kind, earnest expression I wouldn't stop. "Don't you ever dare to touch me!!!" I screamed to my disgust and turned my shoulder away from his hand, letting it limply fall to the bed.

Inside I was laughing. I don't know why, but I was mentally chuckling away like the lunatic that used to sell parking spaces in front of the mall hundreds of years later from now. Because wasn't it funny? How, just when you think that you had the whole world under your feet, and then you slip. Just a small slip that shouldn't even unnerve you, only you couldn't stop falling down and down till you finally realized that the entire world hasn't been under your feet for a long, really _long_ time. You just never came to notice it. Then reality hits you and finally look up to see how far you've fallen, only problem was, it's already too late.

"Vivien…" Merlin looked sadly at me, his eyes widened as they took in the truth of Gaius's words and I saw my own expression mirroring his of shock and discovery.

There was no way around this, I thought, he _had_ to take me back to the future.


	8. Dungeons and Dragons

Sorry i had to upload this Chapter again...things like that just happen sorry!

**Now it's common knowledge, that at eight chappies a story can (inevitably) get a bit stretchy and boring especially if the author is far from proficient at this sort of thing (Me. Duh. i know) So relax...This story's not going anywhere. In fact, for being able to get this far, you deserve a treat *pats on back* but when you come back - and I hope you do - take your time going through the story, and most importantly...**

**R&R _PEOPLE_!!! Oops I meant to be a bit more discreet :)**

**So first off, the summary - The first part of the story involves a lengthy (but hopefully more interesting than my intro) part on Clarissa aka Vivien (nutcase head..._whoops_!) reflecting on her views upon the other Merlin Characters, theres some influence from "the book thief" and if you haven't read it GO AND BUY the book. It's amazing. The 2nd part is a more dramatic scene where she meets *Duhm duhm....DUHM* the Great Dragon (you can imagine how that works out lol)**

**Super hugs and kisses to Hallows07 - one of the best writers on the block, nuff said. Mystikal-magikal-wytch - the greatest FF family member and fellow merlin fanatic (then again, aren't we all?), xxdibdabxx - naturally, J. Gabriella - My beta-st beta reader and *yay* fellow Malaysian Merlin follower. xDoubleIdemnity whom I can assuredly lable FF's best compulsive reviewer or aka, Keyboard happy. xoxLewrahxox, sorry i forgot to add your name here, lol, so I'll add it again just to be sure. And Finally xoxoLewrahxox who gives great advice by the way and if anyone's looking for improvement, she the one to meet.  
**

**BTW...and we all know how great it feels to get R&Rs right? *Cough* Hint *Cough* **

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It didn't take long for me to realize that the people of Camelot were all perfectly pleasant and friendly as I walked down the marketplace, searching for supplies on behalf of Gaius. This time the sky was a young innocent scrawl of grey. I don't know why, I just somehow tend to notice these things. Even when I was a young twenty-first century girl, mami always told me that I had a knack for picking out the colors in life. But she was wrong in that sense, because colors weren't just my hobby – they were my saving grace.

The distraction helps keep me sane; it aids me to cope with everything going on around me: the divorce, my first near fatal accident, and now this. This…_misfortune_. Those memories are the ones I can't stand to look at, although on many an occasion, reality hits me and I fail. I deliberately seek out the colors to keep my mind off them, but now and again, I have to heave myself out of the comforted world I'd built around myself and stand straight in front of reality. Like it was a truck in the middle of the road.

Coming for me.

But whilst the people of Camelot took me in without a second's hesitation, the bloody Kingdom _rejected_ me – I could actually _feel_ it discarding my attendance as an unwelcome visitor from the first step I took in Logres. Everyone was bustling about in the bazaar like everything was okay, but it _wasn't_. With me standing there, it couldn't be. To me, Camelot felt wrong – its lush grounds, the earth beneath my feet, castle walls standing proud and tall – wishing it could spew me from its company, right down to my neck like a cloud of warm breath. I was constantly on my toes.

Feeling my feet clop pleasantly across the road, I had already forgotten how long it was since the previous breakdown in front of Merlin – let it be days, or mere hours, I couldn't tell anymore. In front of me, there was a crowd even bigger than the time when Merlin was caged in the stocks and something told me to check it out even though I knew I'd probably regret it. Then, I remembered Merlin's last few words before he left to see Arthur.

"_Please, don't go anywhere unless I'm with you. Especially not to town." Merlin says with an apologetic expression._

"_Why?"_

"_Just promise me. I can't let anything happen to you, not until…" He stops and smiles encouragingly but I see the angst behind that too._

Not until what, Merlin? Until you bring me back home? Why's that so hard?

Then I caught sight of a flashing, ethereal sort of beauty walking down, just meters away from where I stood, flocked by Guinevere. _Morgana_. I instinctively followed them as the two women made their way past the crowd and for a moment there, I'd almost lost sight of the pair, but then the horde opened up once more and I tracked down Morgana's lustrous dark locks.

Once they reached a tall stage, Morgana abruptly left Guinevere's side in favor of a tall, imperious looking middle aged man with a crown propped on his head. The platform he was standing on – now that I had a closer look at it – had a trapdoor built in the floor. And as I watched in rapt horror, two men in dark hooded cloaks were carrying a frail looking girl up the steps onto the stage whilst another fixed a noose onto an inverted L shaped structure. Then something clicked and I felt sick.

Both Morgana and the man I deduced to be King Uther began arguing as soon as she reached his side but I paid them no attention, instead choosing to approach Guinevere but suddenly another man beat me to it. He had glowing white skin and rain-like flicks of black hair.

"Merlin!" Guinevere called out in a startled, but pleased voice even though her face was a mask of worry and sadness. "Vivien!!" She spotted me and began gesturing for me to come closer. "How could this happen?" She asked once I came into an effortless hearing distance. "I _know_ Mellicene, she wouldn't do anything like this. Not _Magic_. Isn't there anything we can do?"

Merlin stood by her side and addressed both of us. "Lady Morgana is already doing all she can, but King Uther won't even listen to her." He replied somberly.

"I can't look" Guinevere covered her lips with the sleeve on her wrist.

"Vivien I told you not to come." Merlin told me. He wasn't angry though, I don't think Merlin was even capable of anger.

"I didn't think." I apologized. "Can't Arthur do anything about it?"

"King Uther is his father, and Uther sees no empathy, only enemies." Merlin's face was sad but steadfast in his gaze. As for me, I didn't know Mellicene – never even met her – but her eyes, widened in terror and pink from previous tears were enough to make anyone half human feel pity and compassion. There was a sort of downward droop in her stance, practically resigned to her fate.

"Please, Merlin. I don't want to see this." For a second Guinevere looked like she was nearly about to break down but seemed to be holding herself together. "I'm sorry, it was wrong to come here."

"We'll go back to Gaius." He comforted her. His long white neck caught my attention for a fraction of a second, but even when i looked away, it was still there in my mind.

The three of us slowly walked back to Gaius's room. I felt a sickening ball slowly expand in my core and try as I might, could not obliterate it. We passed many people, bloodthirsty or otherwise, who had all gathered to watch Mellicene's execution. Then I noticed light blue eyes standing out from the crowd and met the solemn face of Arthur, who wasn't even doing anything but staring back at me. Was this the future of Camelot?

We didn't make it in time.

Just as the three of us left the denser part of the throng, there was a sickening thud and a collective gasp followed by suffocated murmurs flowing through the crowd. Then an imposing voice boomed. _Let this be a lesson to all those who practice the old religion. There will be no magic in my kingdom and all those who do not see to it shall suffer the same fate._

I twisted my head sharply to see Uther's hardened and worn out face shout the decree, despite Merlin's tight grip around my hand pulling me even harder away from the mass. Next to Uther stood Morgana with her unflappable, haughty expression and her tall, long neck, and I despised her even more then. So, maybe that was why I never noticed the angry fleck of tear in the corner of her eyes.

Back in Merlin's room, where Gaius agreed to let me bunk in (Merlin volunteered to sleep on the floor and I was too tired to argue then) after seeing Guinevere off. I started pacing the floor but soon gave up, sick of seeing the same surrounding four walls.

"You know what?" I burst out at that sentiment. Merlin looked vaguely startled. "I'm so sick of always ending up in this room after someone…anyone, ok, I mean me, having a breakdown. It's like I can't even hold myself together anymore." That wasn't really what I meant; what I _meant_ to say was that Merlin's room was starting to feel more like a time-out corner of some sort – each time we hit some kind of dead end, I'd find myself in the room like being in there was supposed to act as a solution for everything.

"I mean look at you guys: You, Gaius, Arthur, Guinevere and even Morgana. You've all got your own lives and it'd like I'm imposing myself on you." I ranted and sat on the floor, when, what I intended to say was that I didn't feel like I belonged together with the gang.

"Clarissa." Merlin interrupted suddenly. He looked at me queerly "Where did you come from?" He was sitting on his bed opposite me whilst I sat on the carpeted floor; my legs were crossed.

I was about to tell him the truth – and possibly have him or Gaius throw me out on the incentive that I was losing it. Or worse. – But suddenly something stopped the flow of words from ever exiting my mouth and I simply sat there dumbly looking at him.

"If I tell you, you'll send me back. No matter where?" I asked cautiously.

"If I can't send you back I'm sure Arthur will see to it that at least one of his pages does." Merlin assured me in the way that he does. " I'll take care of it, don't worry"

The dark laughter residing at the back of my throat nearly emerged and soon subsided with the same abruptness. I didn't want to sound like the kind of self pitying creature that I'd met time and time again back where I grew up…but then again, it was so hard to stop feeling that way. What if I really was going crazy?

"God, Merlin!" Arthur burst in and caused both of us to jump – Merlin doing so in such a comical manner that I burst out in a fit of laughter, temporarily dissipating the dark cloud that seemed to be hanging over my head those days. A seventeen year old girl shouldn't have to feel that way. "You should be doing your job in the castle and serving me. Not this…girl . Where _are_ you these days??? Some of the knights are making jokes that you've died in battle." He paused at my laughter "Not that you'd ever _dare_ to go to battle. Do you even know what happens to servants who don't turn up when they're supposed to Merlin? It's like you don't even know who I am to you."

I squinted my eyes, it almost seemed like Arthur's brown leather jacket was dark and blurry.

"I know who you are." Merlin solemnly told Arthur at the same time I noticed the dark blotches on Arthur's shirt. "You're a prat Arthur."

"Do you have a death sentence Merli…" Arthur's voice drifted off, and his face colored furiously as he noticed both Merlin and I staring incredulously at his chest. It _was_ inky with black splotches.

"I tried to shine my own boots,_ happy_?" He blurted out uncomfortably; Arthur's expression was that of someone who looked like they'd been caught at something unimaginably hideous. "And it was all because you can't ever turn up on time like any decent servant should, _Merlin_."

"Sorry sire." Merlin tried hard not to grin.

"Do I make myself clear _Merlin_?"

"Yes sire." Merlin said. By now, even _I_ was trying hard not to laugh at both of their expressions. The way they spoke to each other, it was rather…funny? Cute? The two were like a pair of childish boys…But I wouldn't be caught dead saying that to Arthur.

"Do you find this funny…_Merlin_?" Arthur's face tightened.

"Moderately." Merlin answered truthfully.

I couldn't hold the guffaw in any longer and finally, unwillingly, caught Arthur's attention.

*

My eyes shot open into cold darkness, my chest was heaving uncontrollably and I swept the back of my palm across my forehead only to be greeted by gritty, ice cold beads of sweat. There was the shadow of a nightmare dancing at the back of my head, but whatever it was, I couldn't recall anymore.

Then I noticed that my body was sitting up, half of the bed sheets looked like they'd been virtually torn off by a twister in the midst of my sleep. On the floor next to me, the mattress Merlin should be sleeping on laid empty and felt warm when I placed my palm on his blanket – and even with him gone, it still smelled like tomatoes. So that's what woke me up, I thought, looking through my reflection in the mirror. The expression on my face looked uncannily familiar, almost like I'd seen it before. And I had – it was the same cornered rabbit look on Morgana's face the first time I met her.

_Don't tell me I'm anything like her. I'm not evil._

_She doesn't _look_ evil, you know that._

_Clarissa…can you hear me?_

_Neither did Hitler_

_Clarissa…_

_Or Mao Ze Dong-_

…_come to me_

_-for that matter_ _ENOUGH WITH THE VOICES IN MY HEAD ALREADY!!!_

_Oh god, I'm going crazy…_

But despite the last statement and the fact that I was hearing tones other than my own in my head, I didn't really believe that I had lost it. Too many impossible occurrences had transpired for any fault to be placed on my sanity. _And_ I was more than certain that I wasn't crazy. Not yet anyways. I got out of bed and followed the resonance out of the tower like it was the most natural thing to do.

There were times, making my way through the inky black street, that I'd turn a wrong corner and hear the voice slowly fade away until I turned around and went in the opposite direction where it'd grow louder to the point where it almost felt like the tone was resonating right next to my ear. Somehow, I managed to make my way into the mouth of a dimly lit tunnel with stairs that sloped downwards. The damp but still burning torches cast eerie shadows against its orange light and a moist layer slickened the stone walls.

I hesitated, unsure whether to begin my descent into the nameless or turn back, head to the alchemist's chambers and pretend nothing ever happened.

_Clarissa…_

_God_ it was like the _Grudge_ with this voice.

The steps were dark and damp, even the air around me was agonizingly clammy. But curiosity teased me – what was waiting (calling) for me down there, and what would I do when I reached it? A stupid thought, I shouldn't even _think_ about it. The smart thing would be to turn around and ignore that voice. And why bother anyways, what has curiosity gotten me in the past?

Forget it, finding out wasn't even worth it. Don't do it, Clarissa. Don't do it. Nevertheless, I started walking down the stairs, careful not to slip. The only light I had to guide my steps was the silvery moonlight leaking in from the entrance and a slightly dimmer orange glow from the torches placed along the wall lighting every six meters or so.

The tunnel came to an end sooner than I'd expected, and the torches had run out halfway before that. As soon as I'd seen that the rest of the passageway was drowned in blackness in comparison to the flickering amber rays behind me, I had pried one of he torches from the wall – covering my fingers in a greasy dark substance – and picked up my pace, determined to see the end of my journey.

Now I lifted the torch in my hand to see all that my supposed bravery and effort was wasted. At the end of the channel stood a steel gate, blocking my way from whatever lay ahead. I felt a surge of disappointment flood to my head in anger and slammed my fist against the metal.

"Useless pile of crap!" I groaned and turned around.

The gate creaked open behind me.

Like various parts of machinery, my head turned, followed by my torso, then my feet. I took a few quick strides forwards and lifted the torch even higher above my head, immersing the space in front of me in a pathetic sort of luminosity. The feeble glow revealed a cavern, of unfeasible, majestic span and breadth. It remained before me empty and silent, save for the occasional drip of moisture off a couple of stalactites.

It was nice, but not very exciting.

Then, too late, I heard footsteps coming from behind me along with the lonesome creak of the metal gate and – hurriedly extinguishing my torch – dove into a nearby crevice lodged in the wall. It was a small crack in the cavern, with just enough room to hide and fit all of myself in.

Then, I saw a dim orange light just like mine approach and the mental image of Merlin's empty bed flashed through my mind.

"Where are you? I heard you calling me" Merlin's voice sounded magnified by ten times as it bounced against the vast walls. He spoke into nothingness and his voice gradually gave away into the dark void.

Then I heard something that, at first, reminded me of thunder claps. But _those_ sounded too sharp, _this_ was more like the sound that a helicopter makes just before it lands. _Hwop hwhop hwhop_ like a vacuum cup. From where I stood, I could only just make out a bit of Merlin and his black hair being washed back by the great waves of wind.

Then, as the immense surges of wind died down, I heard the same bodiless voice that ran through my head only moments ago boom out, and this time it wasn't just in my head. Whatever _it_ was, Merlin was talking to it.

"Greetings, great warlock. My wait for you has been longer than usual tonight."


	9. And evil sorceressses in training

"What do you think the weather will be for today?" The radio announcer shook me from my reverie in a vague state. My hand shot across the bed to hit the snooze button only to strike at nothing and smashed against the bed's framework.

There was a single short second where my palm lunged once more for the snooze button and this time the rest of my body came tumbling off the bed to the ground followed shortly afterwards by a few books, all three of which thudded to the floor causing my eyes to stubbornly break open. There was no radio announcer, no radio neither. There _wouldn't_be, until centuries from now. Only the pale light of the newborn dawn that shone through drifty curtains into Merlin's cluttered room.

"I'm not sure, Gaius." Merlin's soft voice replied, his voice seemed to trigger something drifting behind my mind. All of a sudden, the last bits of dream and haze swimming in my head seemed to dissipate into thin air at his voice and what remaining millimeters of skin dimming my eyes shot open. I leapt to my feet and bounded down the stairs, taking as many at a time in my tear to get to Merlin and Gaius.

"Merlin! Gaius! You won't believe the dream I had!!!" I shouted from the top of the stairs.

"What is it child?" Gaius got to his feet looking stunned and anxious. Merlin looked up at me through his surprised blue eyes; his knees were already half straightened from getting up. His eyes met mine and I faltered for a split second, caught by the intensity of his gaze. But it was nothing serious or solemn - they were wide open in a sincere stance and yet felt so deep, like a bottomless pool of crystal clear water. I kept expecting to reach the pit.

"It's…" I caught my breath at the absurdity of it all. "It's a dragon. I dreamt that there was a dragon beneath Camelot" Then as soon as I saw the look Merlin exchanged with Gaius, nearly instant-messenger-like, it hit me. And for the third time since my arrival in Camelot, said "Oh my god." The same look flitted between the two once more and I continued, "It wasn't a dream. Was it?"

~xXXx~

_The night before…_

"Why did you call for me?" Merlin shouted into the dark abyss where something huge stood. From where I hid, I could only make out Merlin's face, illuminated by the torch he was holding, but couldn't perceive anything beyond that.

"You know why I called you, young warlock." A deep voice answered back. It sounded apathetic, like a father explaining to his six year old son why no, he couldn't finish off all of the cookies in one go.

"You know about Vivien?" Merlin looked surprised, curious, but his eyes were still narrowed.

"Vivien, Clarissa…Call her what you may…I hear that you are planning to send her back to her home?" The voice replied, sending at least one echo resonating across the stalactite ornamented grotto.

Merlin's torch danced, casting furtive shadows that shifted constantly as the voice answered Merlin's question with another of its own. The dark streaks of shade were thrown onto the wall of the cave, mine included, and my breath caught sharply in my throat as I hoped with all of my might, that Merlin wouldn't notice. What would I say? 'Hi Merlin, sorry to walk in on your conversation with your BF dragon, catch you some other time?' or 'You know, now would be a great time to tell you that I'm from the future, please don't kick me out'. Then again, there was the slightest possibility of me not sounding as ludicrous as I felt saying it.

"You'll help me? You'll tell me where she hails from?" Merlin's voice sounded mildly surprised, almost as if he didn't expect the dragon to indirectly offer its assistance. Or then again, it could be Hope instead, that I had distinguished from Merlin's tone.

"You'll be surprised young Emyrs, when you find out the origin of Vivien's existence. But…No, I can't help you." Merlin's face changed drastically into a stunned daze at this.

"What-"

"I won't tell you. You cannot leave Prince Arthur alone to face the world's cruelties on his own. Heed my words, warlock, if you leave with Vivien, the crowned prince will perish, and as will all of Camelot." The voice now spoke volumes, it sounded deeper and almost…mocking even.

"Then I'll send someone else to take her home. Why will Arthur die? Why do you keep calling her Vivien?" Merlin was shouting, his voice sounded oddly powerful as it spread across the dark space ahead of him. "What does Vivien have to do with all of this?"

"So many questions…" There was a rumbling whistle of air as something – and I'm only guessing – of substantial size shook its head in contempt. "But…should you decide to _keep_ her here…_you_ shall depart this life instead. Do not betray me on this Merlin," The voice suddenly took on a dark tone "if you let the girl live while your body still breathes like you did with the Druid boy, this time fate will come, and come swiftly. There will be little room for regret."

"What no!" Merlin looked desperate as he shouted out the two words strung into one sentence. "You're wrong, you can't be correct. I know Vivien she wouldn't harm a fly."

"How well do you know her? Well enough to bet the prince and Camelot's life on? Well enough, to know, that as you stand here arguing like a child, she is out of her bed, walking the streets of Camelot unarmed?" Then I realized that the voice, the _bloody_ voice was actually _enjoying_ this! My blood boiled at its tone. Then it continued "Or do you want her first day's event to repeat itself? I realize that you've become quite fond of the stocks?"

Merlin turned to the stone stairs as soon as the voice finished its second last sentence. His face was a chalky white and he seemed to teeter to the edge of his feet, unsure. But then he called out "Your days of toying with me are coming to an end; I _will_ find a way to get Vivien home and keep Arthur safe." Then Merlin took off, back through the steps he came from, taking the last bit of light with him.

When the cavern was pitch black and I was sure that Merlin was far, far away by then. I stepped out of my hiding spot, slowly and carefully feeling my way by the stone wall. The feel of solid metal on my fingertips announced the detection of the metal gate. I stood in the black field of limbo and stared into nothing. Then there was a small, barely discernable release of breath in front of me.

I shouted into the darkness, feeling slightly foolish. "Who are you?" My voice bounced all around me in the darkness, it would have been brighter to shut my eyes. There was a pause before a small flicker of orange light appeared and I saw, attached to it, was the long snout of a great dragon peering haughtily at me. I did a double take as it spoke. Finally, there was a face to pin on that _terribly_ infuriating voice.

"_I_am the great dragon, imprisoned here by Uther Pendragon. And _you_ are a mere mortal, a trifling girl who dares to put all of Camelot into jeopardy by your existence." It answered.

"Yeah, well pretty great you are." I replied sarcastically, feeling my blood cool. This wasn't some powerful being; in fact, it was a kind of sad sight, seeing the dragon chained to a gargantuan boulder. "You think you're all so high and mighty playing all your mind games with us? 'Cause you're not, people won't know you, we won't even _remember_ you. You're just some sad little lizard sitting on a pebble that picks on people like Merlin just because you're scared that we'll forget you ever existed down here." My tone had lost all of its irony; now I just felt contrite for this monster. "I'm sorry that you have to do that to get noticed. Truly, I am." I said, and dully made my way up through the darkness until I saw the first whispers of moonlight.

~xXXx~

_The next morning…_

"What dragon?" Both Merlin and Gaius asked at the same time, sounding like a comical rhyming troupe. "I don't know any dragon, do you Gaius?" Merlin asked his mentor, with the cutest but fakest dumbfounded expression I've ever seen.

"No idea.' Gaius ducked his head and picked up a nearby potion before thrusting it into Merlin's hands. "Here, I need you to take this to Morgana and no! Don't drop it you fool!" Gaius huffed as Merlin let the glass bottle slip one or two centimeters from his hands.

"Sorry" Merlin muttered, grinning. "I'll, uh, take this and go then." He then backtracked and exited the room with surprising speed.

"It umm must have been a dream then." I concluded to myself knowing that Gaius could hear me perfectly well. He kept his composure much better than Merlin did, but as I said it for his benefit, Gaius's entire physique seemed to slide down in solace.

"Would you like something as well?" Gaius asked me. He looked up from a flask he was holding but I noticed that his eyes were fully focused on the door Merlin had just left. "For the night terrors?"

"They're not really nightmares…" I said awkwardly. Then there was a loud crash and the timbre of broken glass ringing outside the corridor. I jolted and both Gaius and I snapped our heads to the door in bewilderment.

"I'm sorry! So sorry sir!" Merlin's voice echoed outside and I couldn't impede the grin from stretching my lips even further. Gaius caught my expression and shook his head. He huffed once more saying "_Merlin_…"

Soon enough, Merlin's head poked through the doorway. He was fighting a grin off his face and his ears were a perceptible tomato red. Then Merlin's cheekbones rose, his traceable Adams apple bobbed. "Gaius, you don't suppose you have another vial left, do you?"

"I, you…" Gaius shook his finger at Merlin "You cannot help but break things, Merlin. Now I have to make another one from scratch.

"I'll take it up for you." Merlin offered.

"No!" Gaius brushed him off "You've already done enough damage here, why don't you go and give Arthur hell, at least you'll prevent him from getting bored."

"Can I take Vivien-"

"No!" Gaius stated firmly.

Merlin retreated from the room once more, and only a few seconds later, there was the sound of him banging into someone or something and Gaius flinched, but at least Merlin didn't return asking for an extra bandage…or worse.

I observed Gaius preparing the treatment for Morgana; he separated a few herbs into boiling water, it was a bit like the bubble, bubble boil and trouble witch thing I watched back at home when I was a kid.

"What're you doing?" I asked, sitting on the chair and watching Gaius lazily.

"I'm separating the Melatonin from these herbs for Morgana." He replied, not looking up.

"What from? You can do that?" I looked on as Gaius hustled around and – there wasn't any other way to put it – did his thing. "What are you using?" I decided that it was best to learn a bit more, seeing as knowledge never hurt anyone except in double history, and that the knowledge of alchemy and physiotherapy might come in handy when I returned home.

_If_ I returned home.

No…_When_ I returned home…if I even wanted to anymore.

"I'm adding in Passionflower, Skullcap, and Valerian root." He explained, finally looking up at me as soon as the mixture began to simmer. His right eyebrow was crooked up in a apprehensive expression but I appreciated that it was always stuck that way. Maybe I'll ask him about it one day.

"You like asking a lot of questions don't you?" He asked and I nodded sheepishly. "Exactly just like Merlin; you have to know everything." Gaius smiled reminiscently although he tried to make it seem like an irritated frown. "At least you don't break things like that fool of a boy."

"Gaius." I shifted in my seat. "Whatever Merlin was, when he came here? A boy or whatever, I think you should know, he's not a boy now."

Gaius nodded slowly and somberly. "I know."

~xXXx~

A few of the market people who recognized me gave jaunty waves and smiles, but other than that, I remained non-existent. I was just about to head to Morgana's chambers and put the remedy on her dressing table like the day before, when I saw her conspicuous rolls of deep, dark hair against soft white skin from far away.

"Morgana!" I shouted and made my way across the street. She looked taken aback by my presence.

"You!" Morgana's entire face paled, even more than before, and that in itself was saying a lot. "Nimueh no!!" She pushed away from me. "Stay away from Arthur!"

"I'm not Nimueh" I stated, scared to touch her. _She_ was the one who was going to end up as Arthur's damnation. Not me. Not me. "I'm Vivien; I came to give you your treatment for the nightmares."

"There's nothing wrong with me!" Morgana drew herself up. "Tell Gaius that I'm perfectly fine, since he will not believe what I say." Once again, Morgana was the straitlaced, haughty woman with the dark eyes. She walked past me.

I watched her stride across the cobblestones for another ten paces or so.

"Oy, Morgana!" I shouted as loudly as possible, turning heads in the process and stopping tracks once the people realized who I was shouting at. My accent, whatever old English prim, proper, whatever I had attuned to, it was all gone. "You tell him _yourself_."

She looked at me with expressionless features before turning back and continuing her walk as if nothing even happened.

Don't think about it, Clarissa. Don't even _think_ it.

Bitch.

* * *

**Okay, I just wanted to make it perfectly clear that I _love _Morgana, heck, I love all of the cast including Nimueh (played by Michelle Ryan, Also in Doctor Who-Planet of Death. Easter Special) And I want to thank everyone's who's ever PMd, reviewed and/or recommended this story to their friends, max gratitude people. Yeah, and I DO remember everyone who's ever sent me a PM, and, needless to say review and I'll return the favor anytime. You name it. ****Cause seeing that email: [FF: Review Alert...] yeah, it really lights up the entire day. And that's all I need, a simple armature aspiring writer. **

**The season finale of Merlin's just finished today here in Malaysia, aloha to all my readers out there, I'm planning to complete this fic before the second season reaches us. Next Chappie: I'll be covering the second and last episodes of Merlin and also filling in the blanks. **

**Once again, thanks guys, muacho gracias.**


	10. To kill the king Clarissa style

**Kudos supremo to Hallows07 for a fantastic job well done on editing. I know it couldn't have been easy mulling over my scribbles but hey! You did it! And thanks to all the great and wonderful people who took their time to review an ignorant armatured beginner like me. I'm only hoping that all your advice has showed apparent improvement on my writing!**

**Sorry for re-posting this chapter, but as you can tell, it's the (far more supirior) EDITED version. Just me being a clutz with my documents :) This chapter is related parallel to the second last episode of Merlin -To Kill the king. Or something like that anyways. So this is Clarissa/Vivien's gloss over the whole thing, oh and sorry if the story's to Mary Sue (being an avowed noob, I just found out about the term) It wasn't my intention to do so.

* * *

**I should have known that the unimpeded stretch of azure blue skies would come to an end, but never _imagined_ the switch to be so abrupt or inexplicable. A low, possibly the lowest of dark grey mire, loomed over me. It was muddy and dull, like a jar of over-mixed paints, and everything around me seemed pallid and washed out of color. The icy cold winds were unforgiving as they lashed out against my skin from every angle, only just made bearable by the marble pillars and castle walls.

This was the other side of Camelot - its shoddy, dark half. And yet, ironically enough, I think I kind of liked it. It felt as though I had wandered into hellish version of wonderland. Mystical. Enchanting. Dark.

I caught a wisp of Merlin's red scarf in the dim winter light. With the candle light shadows flickering and his bleak figure fading into the darkness, I quickened my pace to catch up with him. The flames illuminated the halls, but I hesitantly stopped after a few suffocated steps. Something was snagging on to my sleeve, holding me back. I blindly reached over to brush it off, throttling my breath as I did so.

A hand. In a fraction of a second, my gaze was already connecting the chilly claw to a torso and a… _face_. Oh, Lord, _that_ _face_. All of a sudden the previous chill was nothing compared to the sub-zero rawness I felt at that point. I wanted to say '_You-'_ I wanted to ask why _he_ wasn't dead yet, but I didn't say anything. I couldn't. Everything had gone blank. My mind refused to take orders and my breath was cut short. I stood frozen, not believing what I was seeing; what was in front of me.

I shook my head in what felt more like a spastic shudder.

"No," I stated, fear giving way to incense in disbelief at the injustice of the world. Why - what was he doing here?

It was him, that bad man who tried to _you-know-what_ me. But now his eyes weren't meeting mine, he was staring strangely over my shoulder at Merlin. Before I even knew what was happening I gave him one heck of a forceful shove at his chest with Merlin in mind, hoping to take the man by surprise.

He didn't even budge. Not even a twitch, he just stared straight back into what felt like my soul. The man's gaze was long and intense enough for me to feel the compelling surge of sheer, absolute terror swoon right through me like a phantom; all fury evaporating. Then his eyes flickered back to Merlin and I felt a searing pain coursing through my thigh. But just as abruptly, the pain drained into barely tolerable numbness; my adrenaline was kicking in and taking control.

I gasped wordlessly and felt tears spring to my eyes. I tried not to. I didn't want to show any sign of weakness, but they were the kind of tears that you couldn't hold back for anyone or anything. Pain tears. That was what Mami used to call them. And although the first drops never made it to the castle floor, they tipped over the barricade that I attempted to build up; they continuously fell over my cheeks like a storm.

This must have taken the man by surprise because he seemed to do a double take, loosening his grip by a fraction. I didn't even pause. Filching this small crack of opportunity, I vehemently lunged from the man's grasp and sprinted away from him, not sure if I was furious of terrified.

Running out of the castle into open space, I madeout the colorful blur of villagers at their daily chores flying past me.

People didn't seem to notice me, and there weren't enough people around to notice anyways. Standing in the dim shadows of a shed, I chanced a glance down at my thigh where the pain had suddenly erupted and saw a hard, cloth covered stub sticking out of my right leg where blood was leaking profusely. It took a few more seconds for my brain to finally register the magnitude of what it was; a knife with its handle wrapped in a rough fabric was embedded deep in my flesh.

I turned to walk away - my mind, whirring and blank at the same time - and folded onto the damp ground. I made to move my right foot but only succeeded in producing a few convulsive jerks that were too painful to even consider trying again. Soon, the moisture from the dirt and grass beneath me began to seep into Guinevere's satin dress. As I helplessly sat there, I couldn't help but be enveloped into a bowl of self pity. Why me? Why did this sort of stuff have to happen to me? That man - whoever he was - shouldn't Arthur have killed him? _Didn't_ he? I leaned back on to the rough earth of the shabby shed and mulled this over to stem the pain, hoping that I could find some miniscule detail that was overlooked. Something that could help me figure out what was really happening and why, because my mind had not yet fully understood the extent of everything going on.

"Vivien!" Arthur's voice took me completely by surprise. I swear. He stood, towering over me with a puzzled expression. For once I couldn't help but appreciate how tall he seemed to appear, myself sprawled on the floor and caked in mud and leaves. It looked like Arthur had just taken a turn when he happened upon my spilling body. And by the stunned and somewhat horrified expression etched onto his face, I deducted that he must have thought I was dead… now _that_ would be something.

"Arthur!" I said feeling a mixture of relief and disgrace. I took his outstretched hand and successfully pulled myself up through the excruciating pain. It was a good thing that Arthur (being the crown prince and head of knights), was stout enough to support my weight as I struggled to stand.

"_Finally_, she knows my name" Arthur muttered sarcastically under his breath. Then his gaze hardened and I saw the quintessence of King Uther blend into his features as he looked over my wound. "Who _did_ this to you?" He asked venomously.

Behind him appeared a few guards, who unquestioningly marched up to the castle as soon as I told Arthur what had taken place only moments ago.

"Are you sure it was him?" Arthur queried after the soldiers left. He gave a heave as I slumped an inch lower to the ground beneath our feet, despite giving as much vigor I obtained into staying upright.

"Me forget a face like that?" I forced a weak chuckle, flinching whenever the pain increased, "No way. Yeah. It was…him, I mean." I slung my neck over to the right and caught a clear glimpse of a man handing Guinevere a gorgeous but practical red dress. She looked pleased and excited as she flew over to hug the man and I couldn't help smiling softly. Life can be so…_comfy_ sometimes.

"It can't be…" Arthur murmured under his breath. Then he called out to another Guard positioned closely to the area I was attacked, "You there, come here and help me lift this lady. Have they found the man, Tauren yet?"

The guard looked taken aback, but instantaneously rushed over to sustain part of my weight. "Sire" He addressed Arthur, 'They can't Tauren anywhere." I couldn't look up anymore after that; my neck refused to cooperate and neither would my eyes. All I could see was a hazy blur of cherry and sometimes scarlet, tilting both ways depending on how much strength I'd exerted…A dark blob started leaking into my vision…

No way. I fought to keep the lids of my eyes ajar, to stop them from slipping down.

Darkness seeped in anyways.

~xXXx~

"Vivien!" Gaius's shocked tone momentarily lifted me from the crimson chasm; long enough to recognize his voice. I was lying on a bed, much softer than Merlin's mattress which was what I had gotten used to by then. But already my eyelids were shutting like irrefutable garage doors; there was absolutely no way to keep them open.

~xXXx~

"No fever…" Someone confirmed and, contented with the information, I turned to my side and drifted off once more.

~xXXx~

"I used to think, that ever since you came; Camelot's been a much more peaceful place." Another voice stole me from my stupor. I couldn't help feeling a tinge of irritation at whoever woke me from my stupor. Arthur was sitting on a chair next to me, it was his droning monologue that blew my eyes ajar. If I were feeling particularly sarcastic that day, I had neither the strength nor vigor to let it show.

_Oh yes Arthur. No one's asleep. No one's resting. Sure. Go ahead. Tell me everything. Like. What brand of underwear and toothpaste do you use?_

His eyes were tilted towards the window and he had his hands tightly clasped together, entwined among each other in a ball. Arthur's voice slipped into something soft and reminiscent as the topic moved towards his manservant.

"However, _Merlin's_ been the exact opposite. Since the day he arrived, we've had a terrible plague spread through the kingdom, this…_horrible_ flying beast. And then I almost thought that I'd lose Morgana to an illness that even Gaius…never mind, she's well now." There was an awkward silence as Arthur contemplated in silence before continuing "I've had to smuggle out a druid boy-"

"Wait!" I interrupted him hastily and sat up, feeling curious, "_Druid_ boy?" Druids had been mentioned sometime in History class _eons_ ago and the word somehow seemed to call out to me. I couldn't help but ask "Who was it?"

"He said his name was Mordred." Arthur answered not knowing how momentous his answer truly was. It reminded me of a saying that'd always bring shivers to me no matter where I was. _I have dug a grave for my enemy and now here I lie in it._

The two of us rested into silence after that. More of my doing than his.

Some time later Merlin came through the door with a stack of laundry balanced in his arms. He did a double take as soon as he saw my profile sketched out under Arthur's blankets and I heard his audible whisper across the room. "Arthur I think you have a woman in your bed!"

"Thank you for the clothes Merlin." Arthur replied sarcastically. "And thank _you_ for pointing that out, I would never have guessed otherwise."

"But it's a…" Merlin didn't seem to be able to conjure up anymore words and dimly fell silent.

"It's _Vivien_, Merlin." Arthur sighed, "And if what Gaius is telling me is true, then _you_ have her in your bed _every_ night."

"Vivien?" Merlin suddenly stopped whispering and I felt him hurriedly approach the bedside with a big fat splotch of concern dripping onto his voice. "What happened to her? Who _did_ this?"

"Tauren." Arthur muttered quietly, "The man who took her by force the…other day."

"So he's escaped?" Merlin's tone rose harshly and, yet, he was still able to maintain that originality that made his voice his.

"I've already told King Uther about it, all the guards are-"

"Sire." Guinevere's hushed tone came into the room and I suddenly felt that even Prince Arthur's large chambers were soon to be spilling with people if this kept up. "I'm sorry to disturb you but its Lady Morgana. She says King Uther wants to see you, Sire." As Guinevere spoke, I dredged my eyes open and saw Arthur staring at her with a queer expression on his face. It looked unbelievably tender and…_Oh_.

Right. _Queen_ Guinevere. After Arthur left, I tugged on Merlin's sleeve. His face brightened and his grin was dazzlingly bright, I almost returned it. "You're awake!" He exclaimed grinning. "How are you feeling? Is your leg better? I can't believe that man hasn't tried leaving Camelot yet." His tone sobered considerably, "You have to forgive me. I never meant any of this to happen to you; I swear."

"Merlin," I ignored his regretful tone, but flushed all the same. There was more important news to convey "You let a Druid boy go. He's going to _kill_ Arthur."

If Merlin's expression was solemn seconds ago, now it was downright grave. The light behind his expression suddenly flickered away like an extinguished candle. "I know." He croaked, in a deathly whisper that I could barely catch.

"You know-"

"The-Someone told me. I tried to stop them. I did, but…Arthur was going to be _caught_ and I could never let that happen. He was _relying_ on me, you have to understand that. You…" Merlin's tone abruptly changed. "_How _do you know about this?" he asked accusingly. Earnestly. Solemnly. He wanted to know that I could be trusted. I _needed_ him to know I could be trusted.

How?

"Trust me." I let go of the sleeve that was still caught in my palm and watched it fall back to Merlin's arm. "You just _have_ to. Just know that we're on the same side."

"But, Arthur-"

"Would feel a lot better ruling over Camelot _not_ knowing that there's a death sentence hanging over his head. There's nothing you can do Merlin." I told him forcibly, "What else did this person tell you?"

"I can't risk sending you home. Not when Arthur is in peril" Merlin sounded apologetic. But even if he was sobbing, knees thrown onto the hard mahogany floor, begging for amnesty, it still couldn't take away the sharp sting that I felt.

"What are you thinking of?' Merlin's voice drew me back to reality and I realized that I felt a lot stronger than I did just minutes ago. Maybe it was his encouraging voice, constantly reassuring, that fortified my will. Perhaps, maybe it was just all me.

"About what happened the first time round with Tauren." I answered. Then I flushed again at the memory. "I was an idiot to follow him wasn't I?"

"No." Merlin answered too quickly and grinned. "Well, comparatively." He said and smoothly changed the subject - something I noticed that he didn't always do too well, 'What else did Arthur tell you?"

"Just, you know, stuff. Like what happened since you came to Camelot. But what I'm interested in is…" I propped myself up on my elbow, grimacing at the sharp throbbing in my thigh. "Is what happened before you came here. How's your family? Your dad?"

"I don't have a dad, never did." Merlin didn't seem too cut up about it. "My mum's amazing though. Hunith, she was the best mother you could ever ask for. How's your mother?"

I was about to tell him all the great 21st century, super-mom things my mother did, but what came out was totally different than what I intended. "My mother?" I slipped and felt my brain glaze over as soon as I started digging for information about her, "My mother?" I repeated once more uncertainly, already regretting asking Merlin about his family.

"You don't have to answer if you don't want to." Merlin hastily affixed, "I didn't mean anything, it was just a question."

"No, it's just." I gripped the bed sheets desperately, "It's just that… I-I can't remember my mother. She's not dead or anything, I just can't. I can't…" I bowed my head, concentrating, "What's _wrong_ with me?" I shouted, gasping. Panic and confusion swelled in and attacked my mind, "No! It's not there - _why_? I know she has black hair! We all have black hair! But, besides that, then…What the hell, she's my _mother_ for god's sake!"

I sat up even straighter in the bed, about to blow into a full fledged panic attack when I caught my expression in Arthur's mirror. Once I saw those eyes, those terrified eyes that were wild with fear and anger… I recognized them. They were glazed over with apprehension and in my minds eye, I saw Morgana once more, sitting in her room with a face paler than usual and black hair accenting the terrified expression pasted upon it. Like a trapped rabbit. Still; something much darker was emerging from inside.

I fell back into bed with my chest heaving up and down, but I managed to calm myself. Merlin looked bewildered. "How did you forget your mum?" He asked sympathetically.

"I don't know. it just _happened_." I answered morosely and rolled over to my side. I shut my eyes and pretended to sleep, envisioning myself drawing a new picture of what was supposed to be my mom. Then quickly erasing it. Over and over again I tried, but nothing came out _right_. Over and over again. Nothing felt _right_. "I'm sorry Merlin, but I want to rest," I said firmly, "You don't get it. I need to go home before I forget anything else." I whispered. As I scanned my consciousness I began to realize just how much I had forgotten. There were a lot more pieces of memory gone from my repertoire than I realized.

In the middle of my sleep I felt Merlin's presence leave the room and I shivered. It came all of a sudden and seemed a little less warm and comforting. It was as though Merlin had been keeping me warm through the night and now that he had gone, so had my own personal heater.

I woke up to sounds of heart-wrenching sobs outside of Arthur's room; he was lying sprawled across the carpeted floor and for a few seconds I was over-taken by a strong sense of guilt. I nudged a toe on Arthur's shoulder to wake him. However, all he did was grunt and roll onto his other side.

"Arthur," I crouched down and tapped his shoulder, "Arthur you can have the bed, I'm sorry." This time he opened his eyes a fraction and smiled a wide, inebriated smile.

"Come in with me then." He yawned and reached out for me. But I'd already side-stepped his body and made my way to the door. By the time I was halfway out, Arthur was dozing comfortably on his curtained divan.

In the hallway though, the sobbing grew louder in resonance and more heart wrenching. It sounded markedly familiar. Almost like _Guinevere_. I reached a room – Morgana's – and knocked briefly before entering. Guinevere was weeping into Morgana's shoulder. She looked up, as I entered and gave a feeble smile. "Hello, Vivien. I'm…I'm sorry, this is…this is nothing." She wiped her eyes fretfully with a sleeve. "I'm sorry you had to see this."

"It's alright, Gwen," Morgana said softly to her, "I _won't_ let him get away with this. Uther has gone _too far_." Her voice was dark and threatening. Something sinister and menacing resided deep inside her words, but nevertheless it maintained its outer appearance of commiseration. Morgana stood to leave. As she passed me, I felt a feisty aura sweep pass too. The girl had character.

"Guinevere!" I hastened to her side. She seemed to have controlled her lamenting and fell into a roll of soft sobs, "What happened? Tell me."

"Its nothing. It - My father was arrested last night." She tearfully told, "Arthur was the one who caught him. They say that he was caught practicing witchcraft, but… I know him! He wouldn't do _anything_ against Uther's rule. Yesterday he told me that we were going to have better days together - he…bought me a dress." Guinevere placed her face in her hands and wept. I gently took her hands from her face and squeezed them reassuringly.

"You're the _kindest_ soul anyone hcould ever meet Guinevere. Don't worry, Morgana will make sure everything's all right." I turned my head to look at the door and was surprised to see Morgana still standing there. She stood a fraction of a second longer, her face hardening, before sweeping away in a billow of silk and righteous anger. But something else was eating away at me. What Guinevere had just said: _"Arthur was the one who caught him."_

Arthur?

"Merlin! You idiot!" His voice rang out through the castle walls and both Guinevere and I jumped, curiously diverting our attention to the halls to see what had caused the commotion. We looked out into the castle corridors and both saw Merlin hastily backing out of Arthur's room.

"But you wouldn't wake up sire." He grinned nervously, still backing away from a drenched and very, very hostile Prince Arthur.


	11. Morgana and Vivien

"You won't get away with this!" I screamed, my voice breaking in mid-sentence. There was the shadow if a tear hidden at the corners of my eyes but it soon went flying off, glistening, in the air as I swung my head in a wide arc, trying hard to free myself from the two guards holding me in place. "Never!!!" I shouted.

There was a forceful pressure on my upper arms as the two men thrust my squirming body into the dark chamber lingering in front of me into theshadows. The shadows. They opened up and embraced my own silhouette as I stumbled in and whirred around, only to see my warders slamming the prison gates shut. "Arthur!!!" I wailed. My voice was hoarse, but I wailed. "Arthur you're a murderer if you let Uther handle this you hear me? A murderer!!!" I slammed myself against the metal bars. They pressed themselves coolly against my own burning flesh.

"You won't get away with this!" My voice was already rasping from the effort and the two guards had long gone by then. I sunk to my knees and gave a diminutive gasp for air, the tears had returned once more. "_Never_…"

"He already has." A cold voice came from behind me and I spun around abruptly to face the source of the sound. A dark presence was waiting in the dark shadows, with her arms spread out and above her body like wings in mid-flight. Yet, there was something familiar to the tone; a flash of silver and crimson.

"Morgana?..." My own voice dropped to barely a whisper as I edged closer. The outline circled her head drunkenly before looking up at me through her curtain of black hair. "Don't look at me." She whispered.

It was. Morgana. How the high and mighty have fallen. But that wasn't on my mind at that moment. "Morgana, if it's you-then Morgana, what…how-what are you doing here?" I came closer still and heard the sound of my haggard breathing mingle with her smooth and light exhalations.

"Exactly what you were doing." Morgana smiled wretchedly and gave a low chuckle that sent ice running through my bones. It was the kind that you reserved for those special occasions when looking at something far more sinister and ominous than it appeared in the face. But what gave me the willies wasn't how Morgana said it; it was how when she did, how much she sounded like me. Or rather, the worst bit of me that sat there in the deepest crevices of my persona, dormant, until Morgana came and woke it up.

I realized. I did, that I didn't hate Morgana. I hated the part of me which I saw inside of her. Then, I hated myself even more. No, I didn't. I hated what saw I could become.

"Uther doesn't like being spoken back to." Morgana shook a wrist to show the glistening of metal that I had glimpsed earlier in the dark. But now that my eyes had accustomed themselves to the dimness, I could make out a heavy chain of metal shackling that held her fatigued arms to the wall.

"Come here." I picked out the pin that I had used to assist in Merlin's escape from my hair and gave an effort of a smile. "I'll get you out in a mo."

Morgana looked too weary to be perplexed, but it showed through in her stance. I shook my head and motioned for her to be still. In a few seconds, I had both her wrists unclasped and free from any trace of metal.

"As promised." I said. Then allowed my body to slump against the wall and slide down to the hay littered floor. I stared blankly into the darkness in front of me and gave a low whistle. "What a life. What a journey. What a horrific _mess_."

"As if your life is any worse than mine." Morgana's voice came from my side and I noticed that she had also slumped to the floor on my right. Morgana gave an awkward cough. "Meant to say," She looked down then back at me. 'Thank you for what you did just now. I don't know what to make of you. I never did. I don't, even now. And I don't know what you'll respond to this, but I just wanted to say that I've noticed you even before you came to Camelot."

"Before?" I now looked warily at her.

"It is…I-never mind." Morgana looked away.

I turned my head back to the shadows dancing in front of me. "I have dreams" I said. It was more of talking to me than her. "Sometimes, horrible things happen and I can't do anything about them. Sometimes in my dreams _I_ do horrible things and other people can't do anything about them too." I looked at her dark face. "Tell me your dreams."

~xXXx~

And so Morgana spoke about her nightmares. How everything she dreamt of came to life and how she was helpless of doing anything about it. She told me how close Arthur had come, so many times breathing against his own death and she couldn't do anything more than cry in the dark and wish the pain away.

Then she couldn't stop talking and I heard things I didn't want to hear. Like how she knew of my arrival before I did. How she knew that I was unable to leave Camelot but couldn't stay neither. But worst of all was how she knew, just like how I knew Morgana was to be the cause of Camelot's downfall and Arthur's death; that I was to be Merlin's.

And when her words were finally exhausted and strung out, we mentally clung on to each other for support, closer than I ever thought I could be.

Until Arthur came and let us out.

"Morgana" I called out to her as she walked out of the dungeon. She stopped walking, surprise and evasiveness set deeply into her posture. "Morgana, don't do anything."

She nodded at the words I said, or maybe, it was the denotation of what I didn't say that kept our lips sealed.

Then she turned back again to face me and spoke sadly, so sadly that it sounded like she was both singing and crying at the same time. "Now that I know. It too late for that Vivien. We are only crafted from the mold that we are forged from, and are doomed to walk this path that we are forced to tread on. Life is bitter and gist is meaningless, but only you understand how set we are in our prejudices."

She threw her head and said haughtily, but her incense wasn't focused on me. "And when we melt into the mold which is set, do not forget, Vivien now of Camelot, that if I live past tomorrow, we will only walk forth to embrace a much direr destiny. And I await death like an old friend, because life will become so much worse." It was the longest that I'd ever heard Morgana speak. She tossed her head and walked down the corridor to her chambers, her dress trailing behind her, looking both sullied and untainted in the overcast sun.

I made my way back to Gaius's place feeling immensely disturbed and sick at heart. How could I face Merlin now? When each time I think about him, I imagine his cold body, lying on a stone bed as depicted in the legend, doomed for eternal sleep?

"How's Guinevere?" I asked Gaius the moment I steeped into his room. Gaius looked surprised and a bit taken aback at my filthy appearance.

"Getting better. How are you?" He asked, knowing that I wasn't going to tell the truth. Gaius, Merlin, Morgana and me. We were the masters of secrets.

"Fine. Where's Merlin?"

"He was looking for you; Merlin was getting distraught when you didn't turn up for dinner." Gaius raised an eyebrow but didn't comment further." Do you want some sleep Clarissa?" He knew that I needed it. I nodded wearily and climbed up to Merlin's bed.

I was having nightmares the second my head touched the pillow.

~xXoXx~

"Clarissa…" Merlin's soft voice lulled me awake. I took a look at him and felt a fresh new pang in my chest. How could Merlin die? _Please_, no. "Clarissa…" Merlin shook my shoulder gently. "You have to wake up."

I sat up and immediately turned away from him.

"Clarissa," Merlin's voice took on a new level of anxiety "Are you crying?"

I locked gazes with Merlin, into his blue, blue eyes. Suddenly everything felt unsure; a feeling I loathed from the bottom of my existence. Because when you're weak, you're pathetic. You're annoying. The frailty starts to get under people's skin. And I was all of that. And I hated myself.

My fingers tingled with what it wanted to do and what it had to do. Before I knew it, we were an inch's breadth apart and Merlin's face was right in front of mine.

I slapped him. Hard. It was what I needed to do. But Merlin refused to budge despite the reddening fingerprints on his cheek. He caught my hand in his and locked gazes with me, keeping mine in place. When Merlin spoke, his words were heavy and precise. "Clarissa, Tom's dead. Guinevere's father was found sneaking out and was shot on the spot."

"No!" I screamed and jumped out of bed.

The two of us hurried out of the castle into the courtyards where Guinevere crying over a man's body which was being laid on a cart. I caught up to her and held her close. Her tears slid down my neck and she shuddered helplessly. "It's alright, I'm so sorry Guinevere. So, so sorry…"

Merlin stood by my side, his eyes heartrending and cheerless. Then I noticed Morgana was standing right next to us as well. She motioned for Merlin and me to come closer to where she stood - her eyes wide in fright and premonition. I slowly released Guinevere, making sure she was alright, before pacing my way towards Morgana.

Morgana grasped Merlin's arm, then took mine, making a triangle. And looked at us both, so darkly that I felt she could well have been looking through us as if we weren't there.

"Merlin." She addressed him in a disturbing tone. "This is the beginning of the end."

Her words brought those icy needles pricking up my spine. But then when she leaned in towards me and whispered in my ear, I thought that I was going to faint.

"I didn't do it. I wasn't caught." Her tongue was uncomfortably close to my earlobe. "Vivien of Camelot…I'll be seeing you at the end of the story."

* * *

**So Hah! Finally got it out there. Hope you liked it, because I'm really not sure what the reactions will be. This is based on the second last episode (Did I mention this earlier?) And the next (few?) Will be based on the last episode of Merlin, Season 1. Duhm...duhm... (Oh wait, hold on) Secrets will be reveiled, Clarissa has to choose between her two destinies and will the ending differ from it's TV counterpart? Find out when th elast Chapter reveils itself.**

**DUHM...DUHM...DUHM!!!!**


	12. Final Resting

**OK I know that people must be pissed with me (with all right too, for sure) for dropping my story just before the last chap. And I gotta be honest here - I chickened out. Yup. Completely and utterly cluck cluck-aldoodled. I was scared that I'd fall short of my own (and everyone else's) expectations and grew resentful of my story. In other words, to me, it sucked eggs. But everyone here that I met on FF has been more than supportive, you've all been understanding. And this goes beyond everyone who've left a comment or faved or put my story up for alerts, this dedication's for those strangers too. People on FF who write because thats what they love to do. After ditching FF (for what I thought was forever) I wanted to work on another project. But words left me and I found myself struggling through paragraphs for no particular reason. When I finally got back to my last chapter, it stunned me, and left me speechless, how easily the words came back. Sometimes you gotta do what you love cause you love it and that's all that matters.**

* * *

"Vivien of Camelot, I'll be seeing you at the end of the story" The memory of Morgana's voice refused to cease resonating inside my head until I began to half doubt my ears – my ability to listen. And soon the words became a taunting tease. Did she say 'the story', or '_our_ story'? Before that, Morgana mentioned Vivien now of Camelot. What did she mean by that? By _now_ of Camelot? I couldn't stop turning her words around until each and every sentence was thoroughly examined to the very last enunciation. Did she say the sentence with a lift at the end, or was it a more dire tone? How was Morgana's expression?

But deep down I knew that the constant dissection of her every speech was only one of my means to distract me from the bigger picture – the bigger question. What do I do now? I was terrified to face this like a warrior or a hero; the ambiguous haze that I knew was what had to come was enough to make me curdle up into a ball and suck my thumb. I needed to know more of what I was facing but everyone in Camelot seemed to speak in riddles and tongues. Morgana, Sir-bloody-dragon, Gaius, sometimes even Merlin. Couldn't they see how much I had to know the truth–If that was what it was called?

Every step I took felt enormously weighed down, as if anvils were placed strategically at every pressure point guaranteed to give me the impression that the next step I took would send me tumbling down into the dark future ahead. But the future didn't just rest in front of me. It could be anywhere – behind me, upwards, downwards; left, right; north-south-east-west. But when I finally came to that conclusion, it not only failed to alleviate my fears of what I had to do or what I was _going_ to do, instead now I became terrified of moving at all and would stand stock still for hours until one of the castle staff accidentally bumped into me and sent my torso and wooden limbs stumbling a few paces in whatever direction I was nudged.

After a few days, lethargy started to set in forcing me to crouch into a sitting position in a nice, quiet and dark corner, just a few more strides away from thumb-sucking lunacy.

Dot…

Dot. Dot. Dot…

Some time after,

I was sitting – my front facing a corner with my back exposed, hoping a sort of manic wish that time would just freeze so I could get my bearings right. Or at least fast forward itself to where everything was done and over with and I either died or lived happily ever after. And then, something both amazing and…sort of off putting came striding my way. A hand touched my shoulder.

"Vivien." The voice came along muffled. It sounded just as muted as the conversations of the past that flew through my mind constantly and I barely took notice of it.

"Vivien" This time it grew remarkably louder and I jerked around to face my adversary face to face.

Arthur jolted in surprise as I spun around with enough speed to break my neck had I not been careful but reverted back to his calm, haughty composure almost immediately. "Vivien, what a nice surprise to see you here." He remarked, just as if the tear stains on my cheeks and my hollowed out face were nonexistent.

"Authur." I acknowledged, startled by the croak that came out instead. My voice sounded like a soft, grated piece of sand paper. To myself, I gave another testing cough and a raspy wheeze emerged instead, growing louder and stronger.

"Do you…" Arthur paused hesitantly and all of a sudden, all thoughts of his not noticing my drastic changes flew out the window at his expression. Arthur cleared his throat softly, more for time than to actually clear his throat. "Do you come down here often?"

I didn't want to be sarcastic. I didn't want to say anything. I didn't want to know that time had passed despite all of my futile attempts. So instead, I faced Arthur with a blank expression until he uncomfortably shifted his gaze to the wall beside my head. Arthur continued "I came to tell you that I think Merlin…I think Merlin is off to do something stupid," Arthur kept his eyes fixed determinedly at the spot on the wall but couldn't help adding "_Again_."

I gave a laugh, and at that instant Arthur's Eyes flew to mine and drove the laughter back to my throat stifling it. "How do you know?" I asked.

"I don't- I _don't_ know, I just _know. _Merlin came into my room just now-"

"When? How long ago? How long have I been missing?" I pressed, steadily growing as urgent as Arthur.

"Just now, I _said_ just now didn't I? I don't know, maybe three…four minutes ago. You've been gone for days; they've all been searching for you. Well, not everyone, just Gaius, Morgana, Gwen, Merlin – _that_ them.

"Merlin's looking for me" I said. _So he wouldn't have enough time to jump off a cliff. _"Where is he?" I asked Arthur. _…Or poison himself, or dive head first into a mystical pool of Nuclear waste, or battle a thousand knights for…_I stopped my monologue long enough to breathe and think lucidly. But who would Merlin do anything stupid for? The answer came almost instantaneously: Arthur of course.

"He's with Gaius I think." Arthur replied. "I keep having these vibes about him, about Merlin. I know he thinks I'm completely clueless, I do _try_ to act like he's just any other servant I've had, but only because I like to see the look on his face when I do. It's funny…"

"Arthur" I snapped as gently as possible without actually snapping. "You can tell me _all_ about your fascinating history with Merlin later. He's in trouble right?" I asked, getting to my feet which didn't feel as weak and jelly like as before. I was pumped.

"He told me, _good…bye_-"Arthur began but I was already sprinting off to find Gaius. It was enough for me. Even though I had no idea, no idea at all about what was going on except that this could be the 'end of the story' that Morgana mentioned, and that I had to find Merlin. By now I was relying completely on intuition. I was certain.

I ran through Camelot's corridors with a completely unwarranted burst of trepidation. The sky was clear and bright, sunlight bounced off the milky pillars, and yet…everything felt dark and fuzzy, like I couldn't see clearly through a black, smoky lens. Then I caught a glimpse of Guinevere ahead of me to my left.

"That way!" Guinevere shouted anxiously, pointing to another corridor and I instantly switched directions without a moment's hesitation, grateful for any hint of direction both literally and metaphorically.

I turned around to shout thanks but she must have walked off to her right, then I saw another person standing in the sunlight and slowed my pace down to a trot like a horse. The closer I approached her, the clearer and more lucid her features became until I found myself standing in front of a mirror. I didn't dare go any nearer for fear of embarrassingly walking straight into a pane of glass.

Sunlight fell down on me and lay in pools wherever it could rest. On my shoulders, my hair, my arms, warm like butter. My toes felt fuzzy against the grass beneath my feet and I was suddenly so _relaxed_. My shoulders dropped and just as swiftly, I was blissful. "You're not my reflection." I told the woman standing in the mirror. It wasn't a mirror after all; I walked nearer to her without any resistance and lightly punched her shoulder playfully.

"No, my name's Nimue." Her cherry red lips said. I didn't have to look at the rest of her face to know that she looked exactly like me, or almost close enough to be sisters. But I was slightly shorter than she was, and my face was a smooth moon shaped oval where instead, her face bore higher cheekbones.

"Right. So what now? Where's Merlin?" I asked, looking around whilst trying not to be too obvious.

"It always comes back to the boy, doesn't it?" She asked, in a voice a few tones more haughty than I would have liked. I stared at her warily. "You _had_ to come to us didn't you? Now everything's changed. I didn't like it at first, but maybe…maybe it's for the better wouldn't you say?" Nimue stood still and upright like a lily.

_What _is_ it with the way these people speak? They make Shakespeare's sonnets sound like a kindergarten teacher leisurely explaining that Peter _and_ Jane liked their dog_.

I walked past her, knowing that Nimue would follow behind. We entered another courtyard which looked new to me. I couldn't recognize the scenery at first, and the grass appeared more unruly and harsher than the feathery greenery of the palace courtyards. Abruptly, my stomach gaze a twist and my hands reached up to press my palms against the rocking dizziness in my temples.

"Aren't you going to ask?" Nimue's voice came from behind.

I knew that if I didn't, she'd probably answer anyways; Nimue's expression was sickly eager as she appraised me. "Ask what?" I asked nonetheless.

"How we arrived here, miles and miles away from Camelot, with just the turn of a corner." Nimue made a soft gesture around the garden. I caught the sound of waves breaking and realized that she was right. I stared at her for a few moments, wondering how long it was going to take for her to realize that I wasn't one for mystique – at least not anymore. Or surprises. Or mystical woman in burgundy chiffon dresses dancing around gleefully waving wands and pixie dust. _Camelot is making you cynical. _I realized and instantly regretted the thoughts that ran through my head.

"You brought us here with magic." I said slowly, struggling not to put any emphasis on the word 'magic' or sound like Barney the purple, child teaching dino. "I do read fiction you know."

"So you are adept at magic as well, what a treat. If I hadn't greater plans for you, Vivien, I would have gladly put my skills to the test against yours…But, I do wonder, how is it you have no idea how to return home?"

"You know how to get me home?" I asked, with the same incredulity I'd have used to ask 'You know where I came from? Like, Twilight and Star Wars land?'

"Only if you agree to my terms." She murmured from her throat.

"Fine, sure, yes, I agree." I said, too quickly, too late and I bit my tongue down in slight frustration. Who knew how witches did their negotiations? Apparently there wasn't any lawyer present, so would my word be as good as a binding solvent for the agreement? "What do you want?" I asked, possibly one sentence too late.

"Just your body." She replied calculatingly, flicking her fingernails which I noticed, were red as well.

"You've got the same body." I countered.

"That's _why_." Nimue answered mockingly. "And when Merlin comes…"

"I'm not killing him if that's what you mean." I said, growing even more wary than before, feeling a little sick at the thought and almost, _almost_ disgusted.

Later on, I'd remember the words Nimue gave me as I faced Merlin, feeling ready to puke. But I knew my face showed none of this to him. I imagined that from outside I appeared as sneeringly cold and mocking as Nimue had when I first faced her. Merlin came storming towards me; the angriest that I'd ever seen him before, as soon as he saw Gaius's body slumped against a stone block. I cringed against the memory of it, of Gaius, of his love; of his eyes as I…I mentally turned away from the present and missed out large bits of dialogue between me/Nimue and Merlin. Nimue was speaking through my lips and I was seized by a sudden urge to rip them out, stop the lies and taunts.

_You will be me when Merlin comes, hide in the shadows at first. And Merlin _will_ come as a curse of his soft heart. That soft, pliant, easily destroyable heart for the ones he loves. And Merlin loves _so_ many…so _many_ lives to taunt and tease him with. And Gaius, oh, what a father he is to Merlin, I've got so many questions to ask him later. Through your lips of course._

I'd never seen so much hatred in Merlin's blue eyes before, and what I once took to compare against the deep, crystal ocean now bore more resemblance to icy steel. So harsh and yet so slick, so strong, so unyielding, so determined…so innocent. His eyes widened in shock as my hand came up, taking him by surprise with a burst of who-knows-what out from my palm into his chest. Merlin went flying backwards and I recoiled even more sharply inwards, unable to help.

_I'm curious to meet Merlin in person – I've seen him so many times. _So_ many times he's defied me and saved the pratty prince's life. _

At this I was filled with a strong sense of endearment and pride towards Merlin.

_But you could imagine how much more I wanted to meet him afterwards, this young sorcerer with so much potential, so much _power_!!!_

I knew that Nimue was winning; the thought sickened me further from my corner in my head. _I_ was winning. As much as I didn't want to see the battle, I had no eye lids to close, I was just a ball of consciousness. But suddenly, from the corner of my mind, I caught a sight of Merlin's pale face flitting past, hurt etched in his expression and I couldn't look away. Instantly I filled my mind into all of my body so that, although I couldn't control it, I was able to follow what was going on.

In _that_ split second, hurt transformed into determination on Merlin's face and I ripped fully into my limbs just as his lips parted. We were both working on nanosecond level. I exploded my consciousness back to its rightful owner, full of premonition of what Merlin intended. _He's going to do this if it kills him_. Merlin shot his hand out, his limb stretched and sinewy from all that concentrated muscle.

My body – no, _I_ hesitated. Merlin's mouth moved with the words that came out, and I felt the strength of it. Of everything, of instant disintegration. Once more, and for the last time, the final bits of what Nimue told me came fleeting back into my mind.

_But no…_you're_ not going to kill him, _I_ am. I am going to rip up every molecule of his body and soul and leave it as dry as Gaius's corpse to scatter across the kingdom. And even if I die, I won't. Because you _can't_. No matter what Morgana has told you, you don't belong to Camelot yet, this world has as much rights to your body and soul as it does to our thoughts. Oh, you'll live Vivien. And because of that, I live as well._

Even then, Nimue won. And I was going home.

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**Might be adding one last chap to tie up the loose ends. Anyone with plot holes, tell me quick!**


	13. Epilogue

**Thanks for everyone who's helped review and assist me along the way. At first, I wanted to add in some names, play the grateful amateur as I rightly should. But then you have to remember how it feels to be "not good enough" and I wonder, does that count in helping others? Wouldn't it mean that I didn't appreciate them if I didn't add their names in? Nobody wants to feel left out I know, so if you've even IMd me, reviewed me, faved me and the countless, countless things that everyone here in the FF community has done fore me, you know who you are, and I KNOW WHO YOU ARE DON'T THINK I DON"T.**

**Btw, the last bit, you can find it in my previous chapter Hope. Chap 4 I think.**

* * *

Would it be too melodramatic to say that I died to go home? That sentence sounded more like a dry joke – the driest of them all – that leaked of irony for everyone who knew what I knew, or saw what I saw; lived what I've lived, and loved what I've…loved? But it wasn't what I expected. It wasn't a Dorothy coming home from Oz moment, or something along the lines of telekinetic, Back to The Future theatrics.

One second I ceased to exist, and the next second I was existing like I never existed before. At least - if you could put it that way. In one moment of consciousness I was hanging halfway between the dark grounds of Old England and total abyss, feeling the greatest sensation of relief – as if the heaviest burden of all was lifted, or like being able to pee after holding it in for as long as it was humanly possible – and the next moment, I was sitting by a dinner table spooning food into my mouth. And in front of me sat my mother.

I blinked at my spoon, but with a lack of the over-emotion which would have befitted, you know, _dying_. But then again, this was routine – nothing melodramatic about dinner with the parents. I put the food into my mouth. Chewed. Swallowed. Shoveled some more. Chewed. Tonight's dinner was lamb and potatoes. As always with the lamb slightly too chewy and the potatoes slightly too crisp but I had to pretend like it was pure ambrosia since mami took extreme pride in her cooking. And she _had_ all rights to brag in fact, it just so happened that her potatoes and lamb needed some improvement.

_WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?_

_Having dinner._

"Mami, could you pass the potatoes?" I asked my mom. She gave me a queer look before nudging the bowl in my direction. I didn't take the bowl as I did a double check. I knew _exactly_ what just happened. About, what, a second ago? But this felt more realistic, safer to imagine. "Ma, where did I go just now?" I asked, needing to confirm that I'd even left the table. _That I even left the time zone, the universe, the century._

"The last time I checked, you were in your room. _Why_?" Mami now looked at me with as curious an expression as the one before.

I felt a deep foreboding pit form in my stomach and put my spoon down. I just couldn't eat any more. Because this was when I found out wasn't it? _That I'm crazy? That I've always been a lil' loose in the old nut shack? _Or you know, maybe I wasn't crazy, because I clearly _remembered_ going to my room to study. And calling Robert on the phone before that, and returning home from school, and…_Oh bloody shtitz_. I remembered doing all that and more.

"Am I crazy?" I whispered to myself, feeling my throat thicken with horror. But when I looked up, I saw mami's face staring at me with an expression that could only be read as pitiful and hesitant, or maybe even the slightest bit disappointed.

"Oh Claire…" Mami sighed and put down her cutleries. "You're not…you're not crazy. You've just been, _different _for some time."

"What do you mean," I asked. My voice was the exact incarnation of apprehension. "_Different_?"

"The doctor said you might have time adjusting, that you had a…shock and wouldn't be yourself for awhile." Mami didn't even look back onto her plate anymore "You should _know _this, you were there." She said. And I was; now that I dug up the memory from my repertoire, it seemed more and more unlikely that I'd even left this world at all.

Sentences drifted in and out of my head, mostly from the doctor.

_"What's wrong with her?" Mami sounded upset but only slightly. "She talks to people only when prompted and reacts accordingly but she's not acting like herself. It's like someone left a nicer, more obedient replica of my daughter in exchange for the real thing."_

_"It could be a rare form of autism," The doctor's voice sounded grave and professional but I didn't know how he looked like. My head was bowed down as I toyed with the hem of my shirt. "Where a shock might have occurred to drive her inwards and away from all outside stimulants. Clarissa might have found herself incapable of coping with what was going on around her and instead delved deeper into her own consciousness where nothing exists but her own thoughts…and heaven knows what." He said this with the smoothness only someone who had spent his whole life providing bad news could._

_"So nothing's wrong with her physically?" There was more than just a light tremor of relief in her voice and I found it hard to forget how mami always was with me. She loved me, and taught me everything, but I'd be a better daughter to her this way. Mami neither wanted nor needed a backsassing daughter who "thought for herself and used both of her legs only to run away from responsibilities"._

"I'm sorry; I have to go to my room for a mo." I suddenly got up from my seat, making some noise and banging the counter unintentionally as I did. My head felt woozy and light and I had to take a few steps in the direction of the staircase to ascertain that my legs were even working.

Blankly but unnervingly certain, I made my way upstairs to my room. _The one you just left before dinner, remember? Yeah, I _do_ remember. And that scares me because I remember something else too – I remember Merlin, and Camelot, and dying._ I flopped down on my bed and instantaneously picked up the phone, dialing numbers that came so easily they could have been engraved onto the skin of my brain. At first I didn't think he'd pick up, but then suddenly Robert's voice filled the earpiece and I was swarmed with a warm feeling of protection. Everything will be clear now, everything's OK.

_But didn't you hate Robert? Didn't you love and hate Robert? Don't you REMEMBER??? _

_Shush._

"Yello." Robert's catch phrase made me catch my breath. It was one of the things about him which annoyed me constantly.

"Rob, baby, I'm sorry 'bout this but I just gotta check on something kay," I babbled into the receiver feeling instantly stupid. My cheeks filled with heat but my body was remembering another person…someone with pasty skin and eyes which…which were, ultimately and at the end of the day, _indescribable_. "I called you just now didn't I? I called…and we- you talked about school, and homework, and how Jen's always hitting on you even when she's knows I'm yours" I couldn't stop talking, more because I was afraid of what he'd say in return than anything else. "But you're mine too you know, and baby I know you hate it when I bring this up, but it's like you're always the owner and I hate feeling this way 'cause it's so effing impossible for me to stand it."

_What on earth are you saying? Are you even saying _anything_ at all? _

There was a chuckle on the other side of the phone and in that instant something flared up inside of me. I felt enraged and hurt. But when Robert began to speak, his voice sounded oddly familiar.

"Hey baby, if that's your way of saying I miss you, then don't worry. I miss you too. But I'm sure Merlin misses you more." At Merlin's name, my blood ran cold and my fingers stiffened. And I know what people say about clichés, but the reason they last for so long was because of the truth they held in the situation and at that moment nothing could be more apt to describe how I was feeling. But what caused me to almost drop the phone like it was a burning branch was his _voice_. All of a sudden I wasn't just hearing _him_, I was listening to _Nimue _as well.

"You wll get used to the feeling…baby." Nimue's voice reeked of dark and haughty amusement. "Because when you magiked yourself to Camelot, you left part of you back with your family to maintain the balance of all things which are pure. And when you returned to your universe, you left another part of yourself to enjoy the company of _Merlin_. You _can _have it both ways I suppose." She spat smoothly. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

_Can you believe what you're hearing??? _

"Please" I found myself pleading, my voice breaking and my feeling all the more constricted. "I can't live in this life anymore, I just want to go back to Camelot." I closed my eyes and put the receiver down, both simultaneously feeling and hearing the click as it lay there. Knowing that whatever happened, there was no way I'd be able to return. And even if I did, I was destined to kill Merlin. _Do you really want that?_

Despite the phone already placed back into it's receiver, Nimue's voice echoed throughout the four walled room harshly and unpleasantly.

_Yes!!!_

I jolted from my casual posture and swiveled around only to see the room as it was – untouched and empty. Just as I was about to respond, I helped Merlin pile another neatly folded cloak on his laden arms. And, for the first time in weeks, spoke. _Because as I soon realized afterwards, time passes differently between Camelot and my own world. And in this case, a few minutes, seconds, could equal to days, even weeks. It was hard to grasp later on, that whilst I was back at home for even a few minutes, the other piece of me in Camelot was walking around like an empty shell._

_"Hi." I looked past the stack of cloths into his turquoise green pools. My voice took me off guard, it sounded unfamiliar and weak from the countless hours, day, weeks of constant neglect.__ But inside I was overflowing with emotion too raw to contain. Too strong to express in words._

"Hi" He grinned while fighting to keep the mound from toppling over, making his cheekbones even more prominent. _I didn't look away from his eyes this time. I _couldn't_. My mouth rounded to say something more, about how much I felt about suddenly losing everything that I had. About how much I realized what everything here meant to me only when I was at the edge of it all being taken away. _

_About how mami was and always will be happier with an obedient, quiet daughter because that was how she always wanted me to be._

"I'm Clarissa."

"I know." He tightened his grin into a cheery, closed mouth smile. "I haven't seen you for some time"

"Wow" was all I could manage. All of a sudden, my throat felt extremely dry and I swallowed deeply. "wow"

~xXXx~

The dragon's voice roared through my head but I pretended not to have heard his accusatory and forceful tone.

_You were a fool for coming back!!!_


End file.
